#okay jokes i just fact checked myself and there's one (1) line of dialogue that could be interpreted as Derek saying it

[ofherlionheart]

😅🛒❌ for the ask game? :3

😅 What’s a story or scene you’ve created that you’re a smidge embarrassed exists?

the fckin proposal at the end of the lovers [murderers] in 3b. waaaaay back in the day i was like, this is the happy ending that people want. put a ring on it! now im like, that's so boring and lowkey cringe, omg, they're way too young to get married, that felt OOC, blah blah etc etc.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

touch starvation lmfao. real talk i feel like i go the jane austen route — like, i describe feelings and movement and ofc incorporate dialogue but when it comes to describing scenery, i tend to be sparse. i'll give you hints abt the architecture of a space but not the color of its walls, ya know? usually. like the sun spends a lot of time on how fkcn red the palace is.

i think also themes of connection, forming bonds, and leaning on one another. the scariness and necessity of vulnerability. how self-sufficiency and hyper-competence can be extremely destructive.

❌ What’s a trope you will never write?

i'm struggling to think of one b/c i feel like i only wouldn't write tropes that i don't like? and if i don't like them i usually don't seek them out? so i therefore forget they exist. maybe a/b/o? a/b/o tends to go deep into the explicit side of things, which is not for me as a reader or writer, so i don't think i'd write it

fanfic writer emoji ask game

[babyboy-bangtan]

By Chance Chapter 11

A misunderstanding gone viral puts you on BTS’s radar, which leads to a series of events that finally culminate with you meeting them for the first time.

✚ Pairing: Sub!BTS/Female Reader ✚ Word Count: 2.9K ✚ Rating: M ✚ Warnings: None. ✚ A/N: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Dialogues spoken in Korean when English is also being spoken will be bolded and italicized. Read on AO3 / Chapters 1-4 /  Chapters 5-8 / Chapters 9-10

The Surprise

To say you're having a busy week would be an understatement. Apart from photoshoots and other scheduled interviews, you've been working tirelessly with the SNL cast and writers about the sketches you're going to be performing, which will hopefully be well received by the audience and everyone will have a good time. But besides all that, something you've really been looking forward to is happening today.

Today you're going to record the promos with BTS, which also means you're meeting them for the first time. You know they landed in New York a couple days ago and from what you've been told they've been rehearsing almost nonstop— but you haven't had a chance to see them in person.

Until now, that is.

When you arrived at the studio you were quickly briefed on how the shoot was going to go; after they're done with their photos, you'll be doing the promos with Cecily and BTS will accompany you. You were ushered to your dressing room shortly after, but on the way there you managed to get someone from the SNL crew to tell you that they hadn't arrived to the building yet.

To kill time while you get your makeup done after getting dressed, you put your earphones on and quickly search "How to say hello in Korean" on Youtube.

"Ann-yang— fuck, that's not right—" You curse, sighing before going back a few seconds on the video. The makeup artist snickers at you, and you smile at her. "Annyeong— a-nnyeong— annyeonghaseyo—" You go back again and listen to the woman in the video one more time. "Annyeonghaseyo— I think that's right. Annyeonghaseyo, annyeong-haseyo."  You repeat, testing the word on your tongue. "Annyeonghaseyo. Yeah I think I got it." You say to yourself, closing the video. "Annyeonghaseyo!" You repeat one last time, saying it to your reflection in the mirror. "Yep, I got it."

"Okay, you're done." Your makeup artist says, pulling back and checking her work. "I'll see you before the shoot to see if there's something I need to fix." You give her a thumbs up as she gathers her things.

"Thank you!"

As she leaves, you turn around to check yourself in the mirror. At first glance it doesn't seem like she did a lot, but her instructions were to give you a more natural, casual look, and she did a very good job.

"Over here." You hear someone say behind you, and when you turn around you're surprised to find BTS walk into the room, waving at you.

"Annyeonghaseyo!"  You quickly greet them, getting up from your chair and walking up to them with a bright, friendly grin.

Jungkook barely slept the previous night. Part of it can easily be attributed to jet lag, but another reason for it was the fact that today they're going to meet you.

Finally.

Yesterday they were told that they needed to shoot the photos that they'll use before their performances and then the promos with you, and from that moment on Jungkook was barely able to think about anything else. Jimin is also very excited, but Jungkook can tell he's not nearly as nervous as he is. He didn't let it affect his mindset during rehearsals, but the moment they got a break or had to stop, he was suddenly reminded that he was going to meet you in only hours and he got nervous all over again.

"My hands are shaking."  He says as they ride the elevator to the SNL studio floor, looking down at his trembling fingers.

"Jungkook-ah—" Hoseok says in a soothing voice, grabbing Jungkook's hands with his to stop them from shaking. "It's gonna be okay."  Jungkook smiles and nods, even if it does nothing to ease his nerves. He's certain you're going to be nice to them, but he's a bit worried he'll get too flustered and you'll think he's weird.

The elevator door opens and they are greeted by their staff and someone from SNL's as well, who quickly starts explaining them where they need to go and what they will be doing. Namjoon makes sure to ask whatever questions they all had, and soon enough they are getting ready in their dressing room.

"What's Namjoon doing?"  Jin asks as he puts his jacket on, looking at him speak with someone from the SNL crew. 

"I don't know, they called him over."  Yoongi replies with a shrug, looking at himself in the mirror to see if his clothes fit like they're supposed to. 

"Namjoon-hyung, what did they want?"  Taehyung asks when Namjoon returns sporting a suspiciously satisfied smile.

"Jungkook, Jimin, come here as well." Up until this point, the two had been watching a video of their rehearsal sitting on a couch together, oblivious to what was happening around them.

"What is it, Hyung?"  Jimin asks, with Jungkook right behind him.

"So, someone from the SNL staff just told me that in two minutes we're going to take our pictures—"  The rest just stare at him, because they all knew that already. It's not news. "—and after that they said we're going to go meet [Y/N] in her dressing room, before we shoot the promos."

"In her dressing room?" Jin asks, eyebrows raised in surprise. "Are you guys coming, too?"  He asks their staff, but they shake their heads.

"We're not filming it cause we haven't asked her if she's okay with it."  Namjoon clarifies, and the rest nod in understanding. He turns to Jungkook and Jimin, who are just standing there looking shocked, albeit in very different ways.

Jimin is grinning widely looking like Christmas came early, but Jungkook is standing there looking like a little kid who is about to tell his parents he just threw up.

"What's wrong?"  Hoseok asks, resting his hand on Jungkook's shoulder. 

"I can't do it."  He says suddenly, shaking his head. "I'm too nervous. You should go without me."

"What?!"  Jimin protests, turning around to look at him with his eyes wide. "You've been waiting for this for months, you have to come!"

"What if I embarrass myself in front of her and she thinks I'm weird?" 

"Jungkook-ah, if you embarrass yourself in front of her, I'll embarrass myself in front of her even more!" Hoseok says, lifting his fist up resolutely. "She'll forget about anything you did."  Jungkook genuinely smiles at that and nods, finally agreeing. Hoseok wraps his arm around his shoulder comfortingly. "You'll be just fine."

"Guys, it's time to go." Someone from the SNL staff says from the door. "Follow me."

"It will be okay."  Namjoon tells Jungkook before they walk out, rubbing his arms in a soothing manner. "Don't worry about it."

The shoot ends up being incredibly fun, and they know their fans are absolutely going to love how the pictures turned out. There are some that ended up looking incredibly goofy, and they hope those are pictures they end up using during the episode. But as they see the same staff member who talked to Namjoon earlier come in searching for them, they all know what's coming next. 

"Hey guys, if you can follow me, please." She says, walking ahead and looking back from time to time to make sure they're all behind her. "Her dressing room is this way. They should be done with her makeup by now."

"Hoseok-ah, can you come here a second?" Namjoon asks, pulling him from the middle of their line into the front with him. "I need to ask a favor."  He whispers, and Hoseok nods. "When we greet her, I'm gonna give her a hug. I need you to come right after me and give her a hug as well, so that she knows it's okay to do that. That way, Jungkook will get a hug too."

"Ah, that's a good idea."  He says, nodding. "Okay."

"It's just around the corner." The staff woman says, and soon enough she's standing next to an open door pointing them inside. "Over here."

Namjoon and Hoseok go in first, with Jimin, Yoongi, Jin, Taehyung and finally Jungkook right behind them.

You stand up as soon as they enter, smiling widely at them. 

"Annyeonghaseyo!"  You say, waving both hands. The greeting catches them by surprise, because none of them had expected you'd say hello in Korean, and perfectly pronounced as well.

A chorus of annyeonghaseyo and annyeong is their response, and Namjoon is quick to walk up to you and give you a hug you reciprocate immediately.

"I didn't know you spoke Korean." He jokes, and you grimace and shake your head.

"That's because I don't." You say with a laugh, and Hoseok moves in to hug you as well. "I wish I did, but hello is as far as I got."

Yoongi, Jin and Taehyung hug you after them, and Jimin is next.

"That was a very good hello." He says, smiling brightly at you before giving you a hug as well. 

"Thank you, Jimin." You say, and he is caught by surprise at the sound of his name. It seems that it shows on his face, because you laugh when you pull away. "What, you thought I wouldn't know your names?" You move onto the only person left, and Namjoon and Hoseok share a look with each other. You might not realize because you don't know him, but Jungkook is clearly feeling completely shy at the moment. "Jungkook!" You say, opening your arms and pulling him into a hug as well.

He hugs you back immediately, and maybe for an outsider it would look like a normal hug, but to Jungkook is much more than that. The first thing he noticed when you started greeting them was how warm and kind your smile looked, and how much nicer your voice sounds in person, even if he knows people would tell him it sounds just like in the movies. It doesn't— it's only slightly different to the voice you use when you act, but he can tell. The sound of his own name coming out of your lips made his heartbeat speed up, and the moment you wrapped your arms around him he was immediately enveloped by two things: warmth and the most comforting smell he's ever experienced.

You pull away sooner than he would've liked— if it was for him he would've kept hugging you for 10 minutes— and he feels like if he tries to speak right now there is not a chance even a single word will come out of his mouth.

"I'm not gonna lie, we didn't think you'd know our names." Namjoon says, giving you a guilty smile. You laugh and Jungkook almost gasps, because you're still standing next to him and hearing you laugh in person is completely different than seeing it on a screen.

"Nice to know you think so highly of me!" You joke. "Of course I know your names, guys. Jungkook, Jimin, V, Jin, Suga, J-Hope and Namjoon." You point at each one of them as you say their names. "I can also do the chant your fans make, if you want me to." 

"No, no, that's okay." Namjoon says, shaking his head with a smile. He knows from Jungkook that you're very nice and good-natured, but experiencing it is something else. No wonder he likes you so much.

"Anyway, let's not just stand here, come, sit down." You say, pointing at the couches and sitting chairs. "Are you guys nervous about Saturday?" You say, sitting down with Jimin on your right and Namjoon on your left while the others find spots for themselves. Namjoon quickly translates what you said.

"Yes, uh... excited, but nervous." Taehyung says and you nod. 

"Yeah, I remember when I first hosted SNL a few years ago, I was so nervous I actually threw up like, half an hour before we started." 

"No, are you serious?" Namjoon says, completely disbelieving, before translating for the others what you just said. Hoseok gasps, covering his mouth with his hand.

"I am! I don't know how familiar you guys are in Korea with SNL, but here everyone knows the show. I grew up watching Tina Fey, Amy Poheler, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Seth Meyers, Jimmy Fallon— so many people who then went on to have this successful careers and who everyone here knows— and there I was, throwing up half an hour before the show started. It was intense. I actually thought I wasn't gonna make it, I'd ruin the episode and I'd be blacklisted from all of Hollywood." The way you're telling the story definitely makes it sound way funnier than they're sure it was for you at the moment, and they can't help but laugh when Namjoon translates for them.

"But you did a good job." Jungkook says suddenly, and you turn your attention to him. You give him a slightly surprised smile.

"You've seen the episode?" You ask, and it's only then that Jungkook realizes what he just did.

Mentioning a movie you've done would've been okay, because it's much more easy to find and most of them have been shown in Korea anyway, but admitting he watched your SNL episode is admitting he actively went and looked for it, which is almost as bad as saying something he heard you say in an interview.

Before he can't even think of an answer, Namjoon speaks.

"Ah—" He says, shaking his head. "Jungkook here... he's a big fan of you." Jungkook smiles but immediately blushes, looking down at his hands.

"No way, really?" You say, and Jungkook looks up to see if it bothered you that Namjoon said that, but instead he just finds everyone nodding and you grinning at him. "Then what are you doing sitting so far away from me?!" You say suddenly, shocking everyone, including himself. Namjoon immediately stands up.

"Yes, Jungkook-ah, come sit here."  He says, pointing at the now empty seat next to you.

Even though Jungkook feels like he might pass out from embarrassment, he does as told and walks up to sit next to you— while his heart beats so fast he worries it might pop out of his chest at any point.

"Come on." You say, patting the empty spot on the couch.

"He's shy." Namjoon says with a smile, sitting where Jungkook was a moment ago.

"Jimin is also a fan." Jungkook says once he sits down, to divert some of the attention away from him. It works, because you immediately turn to your right. 

"Are you serious?" You ask, grinning from ear to ear. Jimin blushes instantly under your gaze, but he smiles and nods anyway. 

"Yes."

"You guysssss!" You say, falling back into the couch and grabbing your chest dramatically. "That's so sweet!" They all laugh, even Jungkook and Jimin who are currently feeling an intense mixture of shyness and embarrassment. "I want to say I'm your fan too, but I feel like that would be disrespectful to your actual fans. They're really passionate." You sit back up. "I can say that I've watched a lot of your videos, though."

"Not the oldest ones, right?" Namjoon says immediately, worrying you've watched videos from their debut days. You raise your eyebrows in surprise.

"I haven't watched anything you should be embarrassed about so, probably not?" You laugh. "That was an intense reaction." Namjoon blushes and translates your exchange to the others, who immediately groan in embarrassment.

"Hyung, why did you have to mention that?" Jimin says, covering his face with his hands.

"Sorry, they're just a bit embarrassing." You give him an almost guilty smile. "You will look for them now, won't you?"

"I feel like I have to." You say, laughing.

"That's okay, it's my own fault." He says, shaking his head. "What's your favorite video, from the ones you watched?"

"Blood, Sweat and Tears." You say, almost instantly. "It's very... artistic. I love it." You say, smiling. "And I love your song Idol— the version with Nicki Minaj is so good. To be honest, all your videos are good. You guys are so talented." You wait for Namjoon to translate, and they all thank you once he's done.

"What's your favorite movie of mine that you've watched?" You suddenly ask, looking at Jimin and then at Jungkook. Namjoon translates, even though he's pretty sure they understood what you asked.

"Ah, the... Netflix movie is my favorite." Jungkook says, looking at you for a moment before lowering his gaze again. He knows the name, but it's a bit long and he was worried he'd mess up the pronunciation.

"Mine, too." Jimin says, nodding in agreement.

"Aww, the one I did with Timotheé?" 

"Yeah, we all watched that one together, actually." Namjoon says, and you go quiet for a moment, seemingly thinking about something.

"Huh." You say, shrugging your shoulders. "Anyway, that is one of my favorites as well, I'm glad you guys liked it, too." You say, bumping shoulders with Jimin and Jungkook.

Before they can say anything else, the same woman who brought them here walks into the room.

"Guys, we're ready to shoot the promos." She says, and you all stand up.

"Duty calls." You say, walking back to the chair and grabbing your jacket before putting it on. "Come on, let's shoot some promos." You say, smiling at them before walking out of the room.

Before following you, they are share looks with each other but more specifically, they look at Jungkook, who looks like he can't believe what just happened truly happened. Namjoon opens his mouth to ask him how he feels, but Jungkook beats him to it.

"That was... amazing."

Thank you so much for reading, everyone! The next chapter is the final chapter of the first part of this story.

[mellonjin]

The mistreatment of Jin - a BigHit callout post

A lot of people seem to think that BigHit could never do wrong and know what’s best for BTS. They think BigHit and BTS are a “family”. Well it’s time to wake up..! BigHit isn’t any better when compared to big companies like SM or YG for example. They’re just as problematic like K-Pop companies often tend to be. The perfect example of this is how they’ve been treating Jin these past 4 years.

!! - a few of these facts are just borderline emotional abuse..

okay, let’s get started:

- Apparently Bang-PD walked around calling Jin fat???? wtf (this was 2013, before their debut and around the same time Jin went on a diet no one talks about where he only ate chicken breast for A YEAR.)

- And guess what? Bang-PD isn’t the only one who has called Jin fat: even his manager did. Fortunately they fired him because he was mistreating Jungkook.

- Jin majored in acting but in the House of ARMY, he got all the insignificant roles with basically zero dialogue. Yoongi even said Seokjin had texted him, shocked that he didn’t have any dialogue in the script. In the Making of-video he was clearly pissed: when the camera man said they’ll be filming Jin next he said “Oh, wow. Do I get to appear alone?” asdfghjkl. Jin was salty, but tried so hard to be positive. (he even avoided looking straight into the camera while they were interviewing him.. on the inside he was definitely feeling wronged.)

- Let’s be honest. BigHit could easily push him in the OST direction or debut him as an actor if they wanted, but no.

- Jin was once forced to perform even though he had hurt his neck in Kcon Paris. BigHit never made an official report about his condition... (it’s funny how they made a report about namjoon’s toe and suga’s ear but not this.)

- Now let’s talk about his LINES. Remember Blood, Sweat and Tears where he had to share his few lines with Jimin? That was the most unnecessary thing ever. (later in the japanese ver. they made jin’s voice stand out more than jimin’s. lol I guess even BigShit felt a bit guilty??) I’ve seen people trying to defend this by saying that it’s okay because Jin was the ~Main Character~ in the MV. But honestly, where is the logic in that? BTS are a K-pop group! Their voices are the most important thing about them!

- Jin is the only one who didn't get a single line in any of the year end 2016 special stages (rainism: jungkook, as i told you: jimin, v, jungkook & class idea: namjoon, hoseok, jungkook... suga wasn’t there because of his ear injury.) He was just a backup dancer and nothing else.

- Remember when people were hyping up Spring Day because apparently this was supposed to be the song where Jin would shine... even V said Jin would surprise us all and umm.. well he didn’t.

- BigHit removed Jin from the thumbnail of Not Today MV because ????

- Speaking of Not Today. Let’s talk about this fuck up...

- *coughs* This was his only solo shot and it lasted about 2 seconds. Really. BTS filmed for almost 24 hours in cold weather and you’re telling me this is the only shot of Jin that was “good enough”. I don’t think so, because we saw the Behind the scenes-video and they were filming Jin quite a lot. They just didn’t use the clips.

- They keep telling Jin his voice is suited for ballads, but Butterfly was a ballad and he was once again the vocal who had the least amount of lines. (and some of them were not even lines like repeating “untrue” is.. not really a line)

- ... so basically the ballad comment was just some bs excuse, let’s be real no one fits only 1 type of music. Plus here are some Bangtan’s slower/not hiphop songs I think Jin's voice could easily be fitted in but he still got the least amount of lines: Spring Day Studio Version, Miss Right, YNWA, Just One Day, Outro: Propose, House of Cards, Coffee...

- Now the most recent fuck up is BTS’ cover of Seo Taiji’s song ‘Come Back Home’ and people are still debating whether Jin has ANY lines at all. The MV for the song was uploaded to CJENMMUSIC’s official youtube and their header was changed to a... group photo... of BTS... except Jin was nowhere to be seen. The fact that they forgot Jin is unbelievable and just plain disrespectful. No product should ever be released without approval and double check. None. And while we don’t know if BigHit had anything to do with the header, whose fault it is that even these other companies tend to forget Jin because they aren’t promoting him enough? This was not a simple mistake. It means that design and marketing teams from HUGE companies like CJEN don't see him.

- Awake: Jin’s first solo song he wrote and produced. He is talking about his own experience in this song. It’s a sad song. He's saying that maybe he can't fly as high as those petals (=other BTS members) but he's still going to accept it and keep struggling. He wants to hold those 6 petals close and keep them safe so he's going to make sacrifices. If this isn’t the most heartbreaking thing I don’t know what is... 

- Jin had actually wrote a few songs and lyrics for their songs before ‘Awake’ but they were all turned down by the producers. (the fact that he didn’t give up on writing music still amazes me..)

- Despite all this there are some Antis who believe Jin is okay with his lack of lines and spotlight, because they think BTS handle the line distribution which is not the case. For example, Namjoon once even said that he was originally supposed to do Suga’s part in 21st Century Girls but Bighit changed it. It’s always the company who gets to decide things like this.

He wants to sing. Jin has said multiple times he wants ARMY to hear more of his voice. Doesn’t this prove he wants more attention and isn’t happy with how things are right now? This is from the new concept book interview:

Q: For the next album or promotions do you have any personal greed for bigger importance? Jin: Of course I do have those thoughts... but each member have their own color. If the song suits it, there’ll be more parts and if not, there’ll unavoidably be lesser.

Q: Aren’t you anxious? Jin: Being anxious doesn’t solve anything. If I do my best at where I am, some day there’ll be a song that suits me.

“Some day”, he said. But when is that day going to be? It’s been 4 years. Fire was a step in the right direction but then BST, Spring Day and Not Today came out.

Like I said before, BigHit has convinced Jin that his “voice color” doesn’t fit BTS and has put the blame on him. Shouldn’t it be the company’s fault that they can’t make a song that fits all 7 members? There are K-pop groups with more than 7 members and they still have better line distribution? BigHit’s line distribution is obviously shit and they’re favoring only certain members.

“Of course they are favoring members like Jungkook, he has a better and more stable voice than Jin.” - maknae line solo stan

While I do agree that Jungkook has a super stable, golden voice, so does Jin. It’s unfair when they give Jungkook 80% of the vocals in every song. 

Almost every song the vocal line from most lines to least lines looks like this:

Jungkook - Jimin - V - Jin

Why does it have to be like this every time? Why does BigHit hate variety and trying out new things? Would it be the end of the world if Jin and V got the most and the second most lines?

It’s not Jungkook’s fault. Even he suffers when he has to sing all of these songs live.. BigHit puts so much pressure on him. Have you ever thought about how tiring it must be for him? When you have the most lines in every song and everyone expects you to always sing flawlessly? I’m sure even Jungkook has noticed that BigHit depends too much on him. In Spring Day they gave some of Jungkook’s lines to Jin in the live version which was one of their best decisions, but.. I still can’t stop wondering why Jin can’t have these lines in the studio version too? The version people are going to buy and listen?

So.. why the heck is Jin still part of BTS? They don’t let him sing or dance in the front lines. He is supposed to be ~the visual~ but in their latest comeback he didn’t even get a lot of solo shots in their MVs. I’m scared that it’ll just keep getting worse. We all know there are some fake ARMYs who would definitely hype up a song even if Jin didn’t have any lines, even if the line distribution was the most unfair thing ever.

BigHit is completely wasting Jin’s potential. He could be so much more. His looks are so powerful SM tried to scout him, BigHit scouted him because of them.. Strangers wanted pictures with him predebut. He even trended on twitter because he looked so stunning when he stepped out of a car. Jin had no previous dance or singing experience before BTS and had to learn everything and try his best to keep up with the other members. Now Jin’s voice is super stable and beautiful. He can do high notes, his voice doesn’t only suit ballads, but other genres as well. Jin is extremely hardworking and a kind person. He can be the oldest hyung and the secret maknae. He loves BTS and ARMY. He blows kisses, makes lame jokes and never misses an opportunity to show his love. Remember his Heart Events? Let's not forget that the clothes Jin wears to airports are usually fan gifts. A lot of them don’t match with each other, but he doesn’t seem to care because he just wants to show them off.

Over the years he has come up with his own ways to make a name for himself (eatjin, dad jokes, worldwide handsome, hand kisses) even though it’s BigHit’s job to do so..

Jin is just too nice.. He’s been patient with BigHit for 4 years and hardly ever complains. He has told us that he tends to hold all the emotions inside. That’s why ARMY needs to have his back. We need appreciate him and his efforts and make him feel happy to be part of BTS. In Bon Voyage 2, he calmly said: “The most important thing in my life is convincing myself that I'm happy. Being happy is making others smile.” Now... you know when you have to CONVINCE yourself to be happy there's obviously something wrong.

We don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes but we do know that Jin is the type of person to not show his negative emotions. Jin is mentally very strong, but has difficulties standing up for himself so we need to help him. If the next comeback he doesn’t have any lines again, PLEASE DON’T STAY QUIET ABOUT IT. Let BigHit know we are sick and disgusted of how they’re treating the oldest member. It’s OT7, right? 

A reminder that Jin doesn't need to be your bias for you to acknowledge the fact that he deserves a bigger role in BTS!

While we wait for a comeback, there are things you can do for Jin. You can make tweets (people have been trying to trend #WeWantSeokjin for a while now), gifs and posts about him, listen to Jin’s solo and covers x / x, comment on his twitter posts (we all know they read them) and if he does a vlive you can support him by watching it and by showering him with hearts.

Please make him a more popular member, so that BigHit can’t ignore him anymore. After all we are here to stan the 7 boys of BTS, not Bang-PD, Pdogg or BigHit.

Thank you for reading!

[theydontknowaboutusimagines]

What A Feeling - #1 Heart Rates & House Parties

*July 2017

“Good morning, good morning,” Nick Grimshaw said over the radio airwaves. “We have a full house in the studio this morning because Y/Band’s/Name is joining us. Why don’t you all introduce yourselves so our listeners know that you all are in fact here with us.”

“What’s up, London,” your brother, Mitch, said into the microphone. “Mitch is here.”

You laughed shaking your head. “Hiya, it’s Y/N, thanks for having us Grimmy,”

“Even though its a bit early, I’m here too,” Jeremy yawned.

“Can we get this lad some coffee?” Taylor laughed.

“He’s already had like four cups on the way over,” you laughed.

“It was a long night,” Jeremy laughed.

“Oh, was it now?” Grimmy smirked. “Anyway, since you lot are our guests, why don’t you pick the first song of the hour?”

“Uh, okay, lads what should we pick?” You asked. “This is a lot of pressure.”

“What’s your favorite song right now?” Nick asked.

“I can answer that!” Taylor smirked. “She’s obsessed with Harry Styles’ solo album.”

“No, I’m not!” You blushed. “But it is a great record, you have to admit that.”

“I don’t think anyone was denying that,” Nick laughed. “What’s your favorite song from his album?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” you laughed. “Uh, why don’t we go with Only Angel? That’s like a good morning song, right? It starts off all nice and slow and then bam it turns into a jam.”

“Good god, never say that again,” Mitch laughed.

“Alright everyone, here is Only Angel by The Harry Styles requested by none other than the beautiful and talented Y/N,” Nick said before starting the song.

After the song finished up, you went into the actual interview.

“Okay, so you all are family, right? Mitch and Y/N, you two are brother and sister and then you Jeremy and Taylor are brothers, but you all are cousins?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, it’s just a big family gathering,” you laughed.

“So, how did that work? Did you all just decide to form a band one day or what?” Nick asked.

“Um, well, we grew up in a very musical family. Our Dad was a professional drummer and songwriter for many well known artists, so we just grew up surrounded by music. But as far as us becoming a band it literally all started in our garage,” Mitch laughed.

“Yeah, anytime we’d all get together, we would just go to the garage and start messing around with our guitars and other instruments. I’d say by the time we were about fourteen or fifteen is when we started taking it more seriously and writing our own songs and performing them outside of the garage and our families,” you said.

“And here are, almost ten years later with seven number one record breaking albums and countless awards,” Nick laughed.

“It’s crazy to think about really,” Taylor said. “That we’ve been doing this for so long and our fans are still wanting to hear new music from us and coming out to our shows.”

“We’re really thankful and grateful for our fans because if it weren’t for them, we  wouldn’t be here after all these years in the business, but honestly I think that it helped that our fans are sort of growing up with us. When we came out with our first record, I was almost sixteen at the time and now I’m almost twenty six, you know? So, as we were growing up and experiencing life, we wrote that into our music and our fans were experiencing similar situations,” you said.

“Well, it’s really a great record and we love it, we play your songs all the time. Thank you all  for stopping by today with your busy schedules, we loved having you,” Nick smiled.

“No problem, thanks for having us,” Taylor smiled.

Once you all were off the air, you took off your headphones and shook everyone’s hand.

“How long are you going to be in London?” Nick asked you.

“Um, we’re here all week,” you smiled.

“Great. I’m having a bit of a house party with close friends tomorrow night, would you want to come?” He asked. “All of you are invited.”

“Sure, sounds fun,” you smiled. “Need us to bring anything?”

“Just yourselves!” He smiled giving you a hug. “This is gonna be so fun!”

You laughed shaking your head at him before grabbing your things and leaving the BBC Studio.

**

“Hello everyone, we’re here with none other than movie  star Harry Styles, here to talk to us about his new film Dunkirk,” Nick said into the microphone.

“Hi,” Harry laughed putting his headphones on.

“So, how you doing? Last night was a huge night for you,” Nick said.

“Yeah, it was a great, I’m a little exhausted, but I’m good,” Harry said.

“Good, good,” Nick said. “Now, I saw Dunkirk yesterday at eight in the morning and it was rough. I was so emotional and it was just a fantastic film,” Nick said.

“Thanks, yeah I get a bit emotional watching it myself, which I’m not sure if that’s okay, you know crying during a movie that I’m in,” he laughed.

“Only if it’s in a cool way,” Nick joked.

“Always,” Harry laughed.

“Now, we know when you’re performing for shows, you have rehearsals and what not, but when it came to memorizing your lines, how did you go about it?” Nick asked.

“Uh, I mean I just had the script with me and ran my lines with some friends or as it got closer with some of my cast mates like Fionn or Tom, but yeah it’s a lot harder to remember lines than rehearsing music,” he laughed. “Although, I’m really glad there was very little dialogue as a whole.”

“Okay, so now we’re gonna play a little game,” Nick said. “I’m sure you’re wondering why there’s a heart monitor behind you.”

“Yeah, I’m a little worried right now,” Harry laughed.

“Too bad,” Nick laughed. “So, what we’re gonna do is the Doctor is going to hook you up to the heart monitor and we’re going to show you a series of images and some other things and see how you really react to them.”

“Oh god,” Harry laughed shaking his head.

The doctor hooks Harry up to the machine and they wait for his normal heart rate before beginning.

“It’s like you’re at a steady 65, so let’s begin,” he said. “The first picture we have here is of you and your Mum from last night’s premiere.”

“She looked beautiful,” he nodded.

“Okay, heart rate is still steady,” Nick said. “What about this one? Former One Direction bandmate Zayn Malik in a leather jacket and no shirt ensemble.”

“That’s a great look,” Harry said. “But personally for me a little too sweaty.”

“I agree and Harry’s still staying at a steady rate of 65,” Nick said. “Now, what about this one? This a photo of a Y/N from Y/Band’s/Name. What do you think of her?”

Harry started blushing and tried to hide back a smirk. “I’m sure she’s a wonderful person,” he said quickly.

“Have you ever met her before?” Nick asked.

“No, I haven’t,” he responded.

“Your heart rate has increased to almost 80,” Nick smirked. “Now, Y/N was actually on our show just yesterday morning and she’s quite the fan of you, why don’t you listen to this.”

“What’s your favorite song right now?” Nick asked.

“I can answer that!” Taylor smirked. “She’s obsessed with Harry Styles’ solo album.”

“No, I’m not!” You blushed. “But it is a great record, you have to admit that.”

“I don’t think anyone was denying that,” Nick laughed. “What’s your favorite song from his album?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” you laughed. “Uh, why don’t we go with Only Angel? That’s like a good morning song, right? It starts off all nice and slow and then bam it turns into a jam.”

“How do you feel about that?” Nick smirked.

“I I-uh, I’m glad she’s a fan,” he said nervously. “I’m a fan of hers as well.”

“Uh oh,” Nick laughed. “Your heart rate’s rising. We’re almost to a 100 folks.”

“No, it’s not!” Harry blushed shaking his head.

“Yes, it is,” Nick laughed. “I think it’s save to say that you might have a bit of a crush on Y/N?”

“I just like her music is all,” Harry said.

“I don’t think so, your heart rate is officially over 100. I think this is a new record,” Nick joked.

“I hate you. I hate all of you,” Harry laughed. “You two are idiots.”

“Oi, who are you talking about?” Nick asked.

“Lou and Harry,” he said pointing to them behind the glass of studio.

“Well, we’ll let you take this one home,” Nick smirked handing Harry the picture of you.

Harry shook his head and Nick went off the air. The doctor unhooked Harry from the monitor and he got from his chair.

“Sorry about that mate,” Nick smirked.

“I hate all of you,” Harry repeated

“Yeah, yeah,” Nick laughed. “You’re still coming round to my party tonight, right?”

“Maybe,” Harry said. “I don’t think I should after that,” he smirked.

“Oh, come on,” Nick laughed. “You know you’re still coming and you can’t hate us forever.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll be there,” Harry laughed. “But I still hate you.”

“After tonight, I don’t think you’re gonna hate me at all,” Nick smirked.

“And why is that?” He asked.

“Oh, just wait and see,” Nick said.

**

It was the night of Nick Grimshaw’s house party. You decided on a simple outfit of tight black jeans, a nice blouse, and some heels. You met everyone down in the lobby of the hotel before getting into a car to drive to Nick’s house.

“Hey Y/N, did you check Grimmy’s show this morning?” Jeremy smirked.

“Nope, I was sleeping,” you laughed. “Why what happened?”

“Oh, you mean you don’t know?” Taylor asked.

“Obviously not,” you said rolling your eyes.

“Harry Styles was on there today and he played some game with Grimmy involving a heart monitor and Grimmy brought you up, Harry’s heart rate rose to over a 100, supposedly,” Mitch said.

“Are you serious?” You laughed with a bit of blush on covering your cheeks.

“Yeah, I saw the video,” Jeremy said. “He was blushing so hard over you complimenting his album.”

“I bet he’s so embarrassed,” you said.

“I say he thinks you’re hot,” Taylor said.

“I highly doubt that,” you said. “He probably was just getting embarrassed or something, I mean that causes a rise in your heart rate too.”

“Even if that’s the case, it’s obvious that he’s not the only one embarrassed,” Taylor smirked.

“Fuck off,” You laughed pushing him back to his side of the car.

Truth be told, you did have a little bit of a crush on Harry Styles. You’ve never met him before, but there was obviously a physical attraction towards him and you were a huge fan of his music, even when during his One Direction days. Your crush though, was simply a crush and you were sure there would be no way he had a crush on you.

You all arrived to the party and walked inside. Since a few people from the radio and the music industry were there, you knew some people in attendance. You went straight over to grab yourself a drink and went through the crowd of people to mingle.

**

Harry arrived at Nick’s house with some of his close friends. When he walked inside, he got himself a drink and went in search of the host. He found Nick over by where the music was playing, of course, he thought to himself.

“Harry!” Nick said hugging him.

“I see you’ve had a few too many already,” Harry laughed.

“Eh,” he said. “I’m just a bit tipsy.”

“I can tell,” Harry said.

“I’m so glad you came! There’s someone I want you to meet here,” Nick said.

“Oh, really? Who?” Harry said.

“Y/N,” Nick smirked.

Harry almost spit out of his drink. “W-What? Y/N’s here?”

“Yep. I invited her yesterday when she was on the show,” Nick said.

“Wait? You knew she was going to be here tonight?” Harry said. “And you still went along with the heart rate shit?”

“Look, Lou told me about your little crush on her and she’s obviously a huge fan of you, so why don’t you just go and introduce yourself to her?” Nick said. “You never know, sparks may fly, music might be played…”

Harry shook his head. “I can’t. Not after what happened today. If she’s seen that, she’ll probably think I’m like obsessed with her.”

“You kinda are though,” Nick joked.

“No, I’m not,” Harry groaned.

“Anyway, just go talk to her mate. It’s a party, it’s what people do,” Nick said.

“I can’t just fucking walk up to her,” Harry said.

“You do it all the fucking time to people,” Nick said.

“I know, but I don’t think I could with her,” Harry said looking around the room.

He blushed when he saw you talking with your bandmates and some other people he couldn’t really see. You were laughing at something and he couldn’t help, but admire your smile. You looked really beautiful and he wanted to talk to you, he did, but his nerves were taking over. He hadn’t ever felt like that in his whole life and he doesn’t even know you.

“Fine, if you won’t go and talk to her, I’ll introduce you two myself,” Nick said grabbing Harry’s arm and pulling him towards where you were standing.

**

“Oh, Nick, hi,” you smiled when you saw Nick making his way to you.

“Glad you were able to come Y/N,” he smiled hugging you. “All of you, really. So, I thought I’d introduce you all to my best mate, Harry. Y/N, Jeremy, Taylor, and Mitch this Harry Styles, Harry Styles this Y/N, Jeremy, Taylor, and Mitch,”

“I got that, thanks,” Harry mumbled.

“Hi,” You smiled holding your hand out. “Nice to meet you.”

Harry blushed as he took your hand into his as he shook it. “Thanks, it’s great to met you too. I’ve been a fan for a really long time.”

“Oh, thank you,” you smiled. “We’re all big fans of you as well.”

“Especially, Y/N,” Taylor smirked wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

“Thanks,” Harry smiled as you blushed. “Um, can I get you another drink or anything?” He asked nervously.

“Uh, actually, yeah, I could use another,” you smiled.

“What are you drinking?” He asked.

“I could just come with you to the bar, if that’s okay,” you said.

“Sure, why not,” he smiled. “Does anyone else need anything?”

“We could use a few beers,” the boys said.

You rolled your eyes. “We’ll bring them back. Try not to move around too much, I’m not hunting your asses down just to give you your beers.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Mitch joked.

You and Harry pushed your way through the crowd and over to the bar.

“So, what brings you to London?” Harry asked.

“Promo for newest album mostly,” you said. “But we also planned a small show this week too.”

Harry nodded. “How long are you here for?”

“Just the week,” you said. “Then we head off to Paris, a few different cities in Italy, and then we’re going to Australia for a bit.”

“Wow,” he said. “The joys of promo season.”

“Yep,” you laughed. “But I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of promo recently with Dunkirk right?”

“Yeah, I’ll actually be headed to NYC soon for the premiere there,” he said.

“That’s exciting,” you smiled. “I love New York, although usually when we’re there it’s for work.”

“Yeah, I just recently bought an apartment there, so I find myself going there more for leisure time,” he laughed.

You both got beers for everyone along with drinks for you and Harry before making your way back over to the group. You handed everyone their beers and they ended up walking away and going to talk to other people, leaving you and Harry alone.

“So, I know your brother is the band, right?” He asked. “Which one is he?”

“Mitch,” you said.

“I can see that now,” he nodded. “You two look alike.”

You laughed. “Unfortunately, yeah,” you joked. “But everyone knows I’m the prettier one of us.”

“I’d have to agree on that,” Harry laughed taking a sip of his drink.

You blushed a little and smiled at him. “So, what about you? You have a sister right?”

“I do,” he nodded. “Gemma she’s older than I am and she never lets me fucking forget it,” he laughed.

“Oh, I know! Mitch is the same way,” you giggled.

“Does he pretend like he’s your parent or something?” He asked.

“Always,” you said. “When we first started out, our parents were on tour with us, but once we got older, our parents stayed home while we went off on our own and that was when his Dad mode stepped in. Whenever I was around a guy or we were out drinking or just doing whatever, he’d be hovering around all the time.”

“He doesn’t seem to be hovering around right now,” Harry said.

“Oh, he is, trust me, he’s just learned to keep his distance,” you laughed.

“Should I be scared?” He asked.

“No, I think you’re okay,” you giggled.

As the party went on into the late hours of the night, you and Harry spent those hours talking and doing a little bit of dancing. By the time, you realized how late it was, you started gathering your bandmates to head back to the hotel. You said your goodbye to Harry and Nick before walking out to get your car.

Right as you were about to climb into the backseat, you heard your name being called.

You turned around and saw Harry practically running down the driveway to you.

“I uh, I wanted to uh, g-give, uh give you my number,” he said holding out a napkin with writing on it.

“Oh, thanks,” you said. “Um, I’d give you mine, but I don’t have anything to write it on.”

“That’s okay, you can just text me it, if you want,” he said nervously.

“Okay,” you smiled. “I had a good time tonight. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah, can’t wait,” he smiled.

You gave him a wave before getting into the car and shutting the door. The entire ride back to the hotel, the boys were teasing you about Harry and getting his number, but you just let them because nothing was going to take the smile off of your face.

[comicteaparty]

February 4th-February 10th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from February 4th, 2019 to February 10th, 2019.  The chat focused on Offshore Comic by Stefan Gasic.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Offshore Comic by Stefan Gasic~! (http://www.offshorecomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until February 10th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite strip in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. Given the comic’s focus on financial markets and all that composes them, what is something this comic has taught you about the subject? Alternatively, what is something you wished you understood better to understand the comic’s comedy?

QUESTION 4. How do you think the comic’s illustrative style and choices help the comedy of the comic? What is one moment where a particular design or image really stood out to you and helped the point the strip was trying to convey?

QUESTION 5. The comic features several recurring subjects like the legitimacy of IQ scores, LLCs, and more. Which of these recurring topics did you like the most? What about it caught your interest?

Stefan G

Hello everyone, 1) Just updated www.offshorecomic.com with a new strip. Check it out. 2) RebelVampire, are your questions intended for me or any new reader? Ciao, Stefan the creator of #Offshorecomic

snuffysam

They're intended for both (still working through the archive)!

keii4ii

Is there a way to get permalinks for individual strips, so I can come back to specific ones at a later time?

Stefan G

Thanks & okay, snuffysam keii4ii, unfortunately there’s no way to get permalinks for individual strips ... I coded the website myself as a side project and am not that good a coder

keii4ii

Oh man, I can relate to that... If I ever get rich, comic website coding and maintenance stuff is the first thing I'll hire someone to do for me

I do like how it loads and makes it easy to read through the archive, for what it's worth.

Stefan G

Thanks for the feedback ... and I totally, totally agree. One could spend a fortune for a coder to take care of all the fixings and stuff ... now I’m learning on the side whenever there’s time left over from work & family.

Stefan G

Answer to Q1 => readers have found the “happiness” strip the best. It’s also one of my favourite ones [succinct & clever & relatable] ...I truly don’t have a favourite strip, but the attached Reto & Urs -strips make me chuckle whenever I read them [I appreciate below-the-waist-humour and/or humour where people are really, really selfish].

lomcia (princess_lom)

1. The newest one is so funny

2. Trader

3. i dont work in office but i cant find nothing to improve that comic, i think the design of characters and humor is on really high lvl 12/10 for me

4. Style is perfect ffor that comic, i wouldnt change it

Stefan G

Answer to Q2 => at the moment my favourite character is the Economist. He’s a genuine IYI [intellectual-yet-idiot] ... which the world is full of and the finance industry in particular. The Economist is easy to write for because I’ve discovered a never ending source of humorous material called the daily financial newspaper ... please find attached also one of my favourite strips

Thank you, lomcia (princess_lom) for your feedback.

lomcia (princess_lom)

your welcome I hope i didnt misunderstood question 3 xD

Stefan G

I think you got everything just right

lomcia (princess_lom)

cool

Stefan G

Answer/comment to Q3 => I’ve spend my professional life in finance, hence, I know every nuance of the industry. However, for the layperson the finance industry [money, banking, insurance, etcetc...] is a big black box of unnecessary complication. My humble attempt with #Offshorecomic is to untangle this complexity and make money related topics more accessible/understandable to anyone ... using humour as my main tool. Finance is more stupid than you think; trust me

I’ll answer the rest tomorrow. Gotta go to now. is like in a totally different time zone and all that Thx again y’all !

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Which joke not related to finance did you enjoy the most? What about it made it stand out to you among all the others?

RebelVampire

1) i really enjoyed the life coaching strip about facing reality and lying to yourself. i just really enjoy the bluntness and simplicity by which the self-deception line is delivered. A+ comedy right. 2) i like p-bird because i consider him a much needed counter balance to many of the other characters. he at least has more feet planted in reality. 3) hedge funds. not that i understand them perfectly from the comic, but now theyre more than just a financial word i see tossed around. and despite the very negative absurdist humor regarding them, was still interesting to get some insight into what they actually involved. 4) i think the style overall really balances well with the comedy. a lot of the comedy is reliant on the dialogue, so keeping the illustrations clean, bold, and somewhat simple really helps direct attention to the words. i also really just enjoy the character designs cause every single one really hits that idiot or absurdist mark that needs to be hit. 5) actually i really liked the address of IQ scores. because literally these characters seem like the type whod wind up on r/iamverysmart and use their IQs to talk about how cool they are. so it was kind of nice to see some evidence for that with the subject. that and i always like seeing the concept of IQ being torn apart. 6) i actually liked a lot of the jokes that pertained to the academic sphere in regards to things like publishing and teaching. selfishly it most just stood out to me because academia is something im more familiar with in regards to its simultaneous setup of worthless class structures and cutthroat profs trying to further their careers.

Stefan G

Thank you, RebelVampire, for your thoughtful analysis & feedback I believe that the writing is the most important part in comics ... and the best humorous writing is often blunt & simple [you hit the nail on the head with that comment]. Furthermore, I intentionally designed the strip in a simplistic style in order to A) highlight the writing/gag, B) to save time and C) cuz simple drawings are funny I love to make fun of pompous, self righteous folks ... academics are thus some of my main targets [due to the same reasons I make fun of financial professionals].

Stefan G

Answer to Q4 => My childhood inspiration and spark for cartoons/drawing came from F.Ibanez [Clever & Smart] ... very funny yet simple style. Nowadays I enjoy Dilbert by Scott Adams or the political cartoons from cartoonist Jari Elsilä; also both of them are hilarious without wasting unnecessary lines. I believe a straightforward style highlights the writing and that’s what I’m trying to achieve. Moreover, I love to have backgrounds in my comics [to steer the reader to a particular thought or mood] but hate to draw them and/or dislike it when they clutter the cartoon ... I’m rather happy with a style that I’ve developed over time where I draw the background but reduce the opacity to 25 %. I think that works pretty nice

Stefan G

Answer to Q5 => My favourite themes are 1) anyone predicting the future, 2) mistaking luck for awesome skill and 3) incompetent yet pompous professionals ... there is so much hilarious material right there

Answer to Q6 => I often use the characters Reto und Urs for jokes/strips that are not necessarily financial because they are so endearingly stupid [well, mostly Urs is]. This one makes me chuckle

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. In what ways have any of the strips changed the way you think about life, finances, or any other topic covered in them? Alternatively, what have the strips portrayed that you wish more people knew?

RebelVampire

(the archive for the chat on Poco Adventures is now available https://comicteaparty.com/post/182650076295/january-28th-february-3rd-2019-ctp-archive)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. Of all the parodies and jabs at financial markets and life, which do you consider the most on the nose as far as its representation in the comic goes?

RebelVampire

7) the strips have made me realize in a way that this is another industry where basically theres lots of ridiculous junk going on in the background cause you can never remove human faults completely. cause when it comes to finance theres lots of advanced vocabulary and concepts being thrown around usually, so for someone untrained it can sound intimidating and hard to follow. i think these strips do a great job of humanizing things tho and showing that the concepts arent all that alien cause at the end they were created by humans and reflect the desires of humans in a way. 8) one of my faves that i think is totally on the nose is this one where the economist is telling p-bird about ppl on twitter debating him being ignorant. and that his facts and stuff will prevail but p-bird points out that wouldnt even work on the economist. and the economist goes home confused. i think this is way too true for what its like to argue on the internet and how facts and logic get infinitely buried for the sake of narrative.

Stefan G

Excellent analysis/comments, RebelVampire really constructive. The human element is everywhere and money is such an emotionally laden topic that it’s easy to get confused even without the unnecessary complicated vocabulary ...which is often misused even by so-called “professionals”. If my strip has helped you understand all of that and un-demonised the beast, you’ve made me a very happy man Yeah, the Twitter-Fact-Confusion strip is one of my more relatable strips ... I’ve given up on trying to change people’s minds with facts; if changing minds is possible, it can only be achieved through via emotions. It sounds more logical the other way around but that’s not how we work. Here’s a special academically oriented strip just for you, RebelVampire Enjoy

snuffysam

haven't been able to get all the way through the archive yet, but my answer to both #2 and #8 is the Regional Manager. I love all the characters, but there's something to be said for the simplicity of having a guy literally run around headless.

Stefan G

Thanks , snuffysam. I almost forgot about the regional manager. I have to bring him back to life; I also like him ... by the way, there are 308 strips in total.

Answer to Q7 => I can’t claim that any one strip has changed the way I think about life and/or other things ... however, I do believe that writing & drawing Offshore strips has reinforced in me some of the main ideas from my favourite author, Nassim Nicholas Taleb, who’s books have influenced me deeply [e.g. Black Swan, Antifragile, etc etc] ... luck versus skill, thinking about risk and stuff like that. I regularly come back to his books for inspiration and recommend his books & Twitter -feed. Here are two strips that highlight my point ...sort of

Answer to Q8 => wow tough question ... with 99 % of my strips I genuinely try to convey some message about basic human quirks and/or outright stupidities that actually take place on a regular basis when handling money + and then I add my own personal humours twist to it. Here are a few strips with the message never to buy something you don’t understand [a hint: they always have complicated names]...

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What other finance related topics are you hoping to see the comic explore? Which characters are you hoping to see involved with the topic?

Stefan G

Answer to Q9 => As the creator of the strip I’m obviously biased to answer this question, but I’d love to hear what the new readers have to say. I don’t have a particular preference for any topic [except make fun of pompous forecasters ] ... but I feel myself wanting to write & draw more strips for the Markets-Weasel and Reto und Urs. And that’s surprisingly hard to do; forcing it doesn’t work [at least not for me] ... Offshore’s main characters were supposed to be Reto und Urs and somehow P-Bird and the Economist and the trader stole the show. I guess that happens when you get to know your characters better. Funny how that happens ... here’s one nostalgic strip from my early work that I really enjoy

Stefan G

Addition to Q9 => ... I’ve steadily build up an audience on Twitter [@NonMeek] which consist mainly of likeminded financial and/or other professionals ...hence, hearing the viewpoints from anyone outside that sphere would be awesome

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

RebelVampire

9) idk about specific topics, but id like to see the CEO who i think appeared in like one strip. I'm really interested to see the CEO dynamic with the other characters in terms of finance. learn how they view what theyre doing, how they view what the others are doing, etc. but im all for bringing the regional manager back too cause i enjoyed that character as well. a lot of great humor picking fun at how some managerial positions are kind of ridiculous to even exist to a degree. 10) learning more, mostly. overall its nice to see a harder to cover topic in comics. ive enjoyed how approachable and humanized the strips make finances, and how they remind you that professionals can be like this and actually have no clue what theyre doing. @Stefan G that academic oriented strip you shared was actually one of my faves. not necessarily in college, but i see this a lot in the blogosphere where ppl do a thing once and try to pass themselves as qualified experts to deliver advice. XD

Stefan G

@RebelVampire Thanks again for your opinions. Those really help with the development of the strip ... finance is a hard topic indeed and there are no really finance oriented strips out there [that I know of anyway], which is funny cuz the industry is filled with emotions and mind blowing mental errors. I guess people still believe finance & investing is some sort of scientific discipline which it’s really not ... there are hardly any black & white answers to anything even though there’s lots and lots of historical data ... it’s time to fix that myth with Offshore I’m glad you enjoyed that academic strip. It resonated rather well on Twitter too

@RebelVampire [adding to my previous answer] ... I agree that the managers need to be reanimated and given another chance. I’ll try to do that and see how they resonate. I never know beforehand which characters will work and which will fizzle out; e.g. der Compliance Offizier is one of my favourite characters, yet, resonates weakly outside the banking circles ‍♂️ [I love the strip below ].

keii4ii

I would like to see more strips that cracks jokes about this very specific context of finances! Things like that strip about funds blowing up on day 252. I think that gives this comic its own flavor. Readers get to laugh about not just any kind of incompetent people, but incompetent people in this specific field. Readers with no background in finances don't know the context, so more strips that shed light on the context of the jokes would be great.

Stefan G

@keii4ii All valid and excellent points ... I genuinely try to write & design my cartoons in such a way that the joke is understandable even though you don’t know the context. It’s a hard thing to do ... my wife is my toughest critic and she tells me the same as you ... but keep following Offshore and I promise to come up with more stuff like that 252 strip

Answer to Q10 => My ambition with Offshore is to 1) amuse myself first and see if anyone shares my sense of humour [if a cartoon doesn’t amuse me, I don’t publish it]. It’s a splendid way of letting out some frustration from work ... and 2) to make investing & finance more approachable to the layperson by infusing some humour into it in the form of cartoons ... which by the way nobody thought of doing on a serious basis. Weird. However, to produce material on a semi-regular basis I figured that writing only gags/jokes is too much work and/or too shallow of an approach, hence, the characters in the strip need to be interesting/relatable enough in order to create humorous material by mere interaction with each other. That’s easier said than done. I’m quite satisfied with my characters so far but am continuously looking for new interesting characters to add to the strip [either permanently or impermanently]. Like Scott Adams once told me: “The trick with comics is to reflect the reader's own experience. To allow people to say, "That's me!" I’ll conclude with this sneak peek strip [only for you guys] that should relate to the experience of anybody working in a big corporation.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Offshore Comic this week! Please also give a special thank you to Stefan Gasic for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Offshore Comic, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://www.offshorecomic.com/

Stefan’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/NonMeek

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Shadowhunters Season 2A Final Review and Hopes for Season 2B

So here we are. We’re a couple of weeks off from Shadowhunters 2B airing. As I promised in my Season 2, Episode 10 review, I’m going to talk about things I liked and didn’t like about Season 2A as well as hopes that I have for Season 2B. In reality, I meant to write this post much earlier but I needed a break from the Shadowhunters fandom. You spend too much time within a fandom that has a lot of single-minded haters (like Shadowhunters does) and it really wears you down. I needed to take some time away from the fandom to re-charge my Shadowhunters fandom batteries. And it was wonderful. A break was exactly what I needed because it really helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings regarding Shadowhunters Season 2A as well as the show as a whole.

As always, I do have a disclaimer to make. This is a post reflecting my opinions on the show. They, in no way, reflect anyone else’s. Opinions are never right or wrong. I’m not telling YOU how to think and feel; I’m telling you what I, MYSELF, think and feel. I do have positive opinions about the show but I also have negative opinions about the show. If you’re the kind of Shadowhunters fan where you just can’t deal if someone says something negative about the show, don’t read this. If you can’t respect other peoples’ opinions, I don’t want you here and you’ll be of no real loss to my blog. Now, if you choose to stay and are offended by what I may say, understand I will listen to your opinions and discuss them with you. However, I will not discuss your opinions with you if you come at me in a rude or aggressive manner. I won’t even respond to you. I will completely, 100% ignore you. I’ve found that by responding to haters, it only legitimizes that level of behavior and it will not be tolerated. If you follow me and you are disrespectful to me or anyone else who might be discussing on this post, I will block you. Also, when I talk about this show, I am analyzing it as a TV series. It has nothing to do with my love for the books. If I am negative about the show, it’s not me saying the books are better simply because I love the books. It’s me pointing out issues that the tv show has as a tv show. There also are going to be spoilers for the books, movie, tv show, etc.

Sorry, that disclaimer was a little more lengthy than my usual one. I felt the need because last year when I did my Hopes for Shadowhunters Season 2, the amount of hate I got was astounding. Up until that point, I had no real grasp on just how much single-minded hate there was in the Shadowhunters fandom and geez, was I in for a surprise. My ask box was just flooded with hate. People seemed to think that just because I had negative things to say about the show, that meant that I out-right hated it. I’m not a masochist, so clearly I must enjoy the show to a certain extent because I’m still watching it. I do not hate the show. I didn’t even hate Season 1. I didn’t particularly like it but I didn’t hate it, either. There were moments within the season that I did like. I love the Shadowhunters books and I am so happy that we’re finally getting another chance at an adaptation and I do want to support the show. But that doesn’t mean that I’m just going to blindly love everything that the show does. And honestly, there are things that the show does a decent job with and then there are things that the show does a really bad job with. A desire to not want to see the show cancelled is not a good enough excuse to not acknowledge that there are things legitimately wrong with this show.

I thought long and hard about how I wanted to do this post. And I’ve ultimately decided that I’m going to bring back my Hopes for Shadowhunters Season 2 post from last year and go on down the list and see if Shadowhunters made any improvements in the first half of its sophomore season. Trust me, the list is going to cover nearly everything I have to say about Season 2A. And yes, I’m going to be referencing the post that first exposed me to the dark side of the Sahdowhunters fandom but guess what? I don’t care how much hate I got with that post. I still stick to my guns and I still believe that the issues I listed on there were very important issues that needed to be addressed and I will never apologize for that post because, again, those are my opinions. You hated that post? Guess what? You don’t have to read this. Last I checked, freedom of speech was still a thing on Tumblr. Just leave if you don’t like it. Let’s get on with this now.

Hopes For Shadowhunters Season 2 List

1) Everyone involved with the show needs to read the books.

2) The dialogue needs to be fixed.

3) I would like to see more lines from the books.

I have three from the list here because they kind of go hand-in-hand with each other.

Okay, now with these, everyone seemed to think that I wanted the show to be exactly like the books. That is 100% not true. I am NOT a source material adaptation snob. I personally don’t really care if an adaptation follows its source material. I love The Vampire Diaries and The 100 so clearly, I don’t have a problem with deviations from source material. I expected Freeform to take its own path with Shadowhunters. I’m honestly surprised that this show follows the books as much as it does. What I care about is that the adaptation captures the essence, the soul of the source material. And that’s what I meant when I said everyone involved with the show needed to read the books. Because whereas certain elements of the books were there, the first season left me feeling like the showrunner had no respect for the source material – and that includes the characters and story. Season One completely neglected most of the emotional aspects of the book scenes they chose to incorporate in the show.

You may ask, “What do you mean about capturing the essence of the source material?” Well, here’s what I wanted from this adaptation. I wanted the show to develop this wonderful shadow world, create complex, dark storylines (the storylines could be from the books or the show could make up its own; I really didn’t have a preference in that regard), and to have a certain amount of fun with it. Meaning, have the characters be thrust into these dark situations but still make me laugh from time to time. The books have such amazing wit and humor. The characters are super funny, super relatable and all that I wanted from the source material was to have that translated into the tv show. And Season One does try to incorporate humor, but more often than not, the humor falls flat. Maybe because the joke wasn’t really all that funny to begin with or the actor didn’t deliver it right. Essentially, when it comes to jokes in Season One, a lot of times it had to do with the writing of it. A lot of the jokes felt like they were simultaneously being written by both a 12-year-old and a 40-year-old. Not a good combination. In fact, if you look on Youtube to try and find a compilation video of funny Shadowhunters Season One moments (like there are hundreds for Teen Wolf) you’re not going to find a whole lot. You know why? Because the writing wasn’t all that funny even though they tried to be. Clearly, I’m not the only one who thought the humor was off because those videos are really hard to find. And I’m not talking about funny videos with the cast, I’m talking about funny moments that actually exist within the show, itself.

And then, of course there was the cheesy lines. Season One was beyond cheesy. There were times I was watching the show and I had to ask, “Why isn’t this show airing on the Disney channel? This feels like a Disney channel show.” Ultimately, the dialogue felt like it was too young for me. And I’m in my mid-20s by the way. It was really weird. Like, who was this show really trying to cater towards? If you’re not going to do a good job and come up with your own good dialogue, then I would prefer you to just take the dialogue out of the book. At least that dialogue is somewhat decent. Quit making me hit pause on my tv just so I can try and figure out why that joke was supposed to be funny. If you have to think about why a joke is funny, it’s probably not all that funny. Again, my own opinion. Feel free to disagree but I won’t say that something is funny just because you think it’s funny. Humor is completely subjective.

So, did Season 2A improve with these issues? I have to say yes. The humor and wit definitely came out more. The characters just felt more like actual characters in these situations. And I really enjoyed that aspect. Huge steps were taken to make the story fit the characters and not the other way around and as a starting point, the show did really well with that in Season 2A. The dialogue also definitely felt way more organic. There was very little cringe within the dialogue once Episode 4 came around. The characters definitely felt like they were having conversations real people would be having. This is partly due to the showrunner change. The writing, and especially the dialogue, just got so much better after they came on board.

4) I need Jace to start being more like Jace.

Another big one that I got a lot of hate on. Although this one may be on me because of the way I worded it in the original post which is my bad. My problems with Jace in Season One were not because I thought he was too nice to Clary. My problems with him was that he was this super angsty character but with absolutely no wit or humor or charm to him. You remember how I mentioned that it felt like the show’s humor was written by a 12-year-old? The 12-year-old humor was extremely prevalent with Season One Jace.

“Sounded boring anyway”

“Better than binoculars”

Really? Those are Jace lines? Jace is hilarious in the books. I have no idea why the writers thought these weak-ass lines were going to cut it. The writing of him in the show is just so half-hearted and it’s really depressing. Jace was my first book boyfriend so I have strong feelings about him. Here’s the thing. If you want to write Jace as this angst-ridden character, ok that’s fine. It’s kind of how he is in the books, too. I don’t have a problem with that. However, while Jace was an angst-ridden teenager in the books, he was also a sarcastic, smart-ass and was very self-aware that he was a sarcastic, angst-ridden teenager and commented on it frequently. That’s where the humor comes in. If you just have Jace being this angst-ridden character without any other personality to level it out, what makes him different from Edward Cullen/Christian Grey, Stefan Salvatore, Oliver Queen, Derek Hale, Angel?…the list goes on and on. The point is that Season One Jace just feels like a really cheap, lazily written version of every angst-ridden hero we’ve seen in pop culture to date. What makes him different? What about him makes me want him to succeed? With Season One Jace, the answer to these questions is, “not a single, damn thing”. He is a bland ass protagonist in Season One. Just a cheap copy of every other angst-ridden protagonist we’ve seen grace our screens within the past 10 years. And that’s what I have a problem with. And it’s interesting whenever I talk to fans who love Season One TV Show Jace, because they all come off and say that they like him because he’s nicer than he was in the books. First off, I don’t know where they got Jace being nicer than he is in the books. Season One TV Show Jace was pretty much a complete douche to everyone except Clary. He was absolutely horrible to Alec. Some say Alec was also kind of a jerk to Jace as well but I say Jace had it coming. You don’t tell your brother, your parabatai, “Maybe your mother was right. Maybe your best isn’t good enough” and expect me to see you as anything other than a jerk. And he also doesn’t even apologize for saying it. Poor Alec just accepts it. During my reviews in Season One, I did not call Jace by his name. I called him The Douche because I simply could not associate him with Book Jace anymore. Honestly, if you ask me, Alec is the real angel for essentially forgiving Jace for saying such a horrible thing to him. Second of all, if you think Book Jace is mean, I don’t know how you survive in the real world. I crossed the street using a crosswalk, I had the right of way, and was almost hit by a car…and the driver was cursing ME out. I’ve definitely come across people who are far meaner in the real world. A lot of them, I’ve met right here on Tumblr. Book Jace does say some mean things but there’s always a reason for it. He is never mean just for the sake of being mean. If you think that the use of sarcasm is mean, I don’t know what to tell you. You would not be able to survive in my family, I can tell you that much. My family uses sarcasm to express our love for each other. And really, I can’t even imagine having a conversation that doesn’t incorporate sarcasm. I guess, if you have that issue with Book Jace, you and me just are not compatible as friends.

So, did Jace improve in Season 2A? Absolutely. He was so much better. His sarcasm finally started to shine through and it was great. Especially Episode 7 of 2A. Those scenes with him in the bar were just phenomenal. It was everything I ever wanted from sarcastic, witty Jace. At first, I thought Dom’s American accent was what was throwing him off with the humor but I guess it really was the dismal writing in Season One. I legitimately laughed at the things he said instead of laughing because I was making fun of what he said. He also definitely added a little something extra in his emotional scenes as well. I really felt connected to him in 2A. Particularly in episode 3, Parabatai Lost. That final scene where he’s holding Alec and begging Alec not to die and leave him…so many feels. My eyes were starting to tear up a little and that never happened in the first season. I’m really proud of the new writers and Dom Sherwood for how they wrote him this season. He was soooooo much better.

5) Clary’s personality needs some work as well.

I suppose my main issues with Clary is that she’s treated as this perfect, flawless, little angel who can do absolutely no wrong. Everyone besides Alec pretty much worships the ground this girl walks on and for the life of me, I cannot understand why. She’s self-centered, self-entitled, and oddly abrasive towards people she needs help from. She’s selfish while being toted around as selfless at the same time. It’s very weird and not in a compelling sort of way. Her selflessness comes across as very cheesy. She’s so selfless it’s cheesy. That’s a really odd phrase to say but think about it a little. Ordinarily, someone being selfless is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s an attractive quality. However, when that selflessness is the character’s core personality trait, that’s when it becomes too much. Basically, her character is missing some sort of relatability and complexity. I’m also not a fan of how self-entitled and abrasive she is. She expects the shadowhunters to help her. She expects Magnus Bane to help her. She expects Ragnor Fell to help her. She’s pretty much, “it’s either my way or the highway.” I would never treat anyone I needed help from the way this girl treats people. She’s completely unwilling to bend on anything that goes against her own interests. And most of the time, she doesn’t even have a solid plan to begin with. Hell, most of the time she doesn’t even have a plan. She just runs in hoping she won’t get caught and she, inevitably, always is. Now, to a certain extent, Clary is like this in the books. The difference is that characters call her out on it in the books. That doesn’t happen in the show. Alec calls her out on it and he’s reprimanded for being too mean to her. I don’t mind Clary being an impulsive character because it’s part of her charm in the books but I do want others to call her out on it. In the show, she basically suffers no consequences when she’s impulsive and dumb because everyone forgives her because she’s this precious little snowflake…for some reason.  I don’t see it at all. There is absolutely nothing interesting about her personality in the show. God, I hate Mary Sue characters. Even her physical appearance is absolutely flawless. She’s supermodel thin. This girl’s hair is always perfectly curled…even when she gets out of bed. She also emerges from bed with full-blown make-up on as well which I legitimately laughed at. I really wish I looked as good as this girl does when I get out of bed but I normally emerge as a cross between Medusa and a zombie. And also, Season One Clary’s hair was absolutely ridiculous. I don’t care what kind of genes you have, no one’s hair is that orange. The actress even said in an interview that the color is a little more bright than what she would normally go for. It was toned down a little later on in the season but when I first saw it, I was like, “Whoa! This girl’s hair could light up a neon sign.”

Now, has Clary improved in Season 2B? Eh, it depends. They did tone down the red in her hair so it definitely looks more natural. I also like her new wardrobe. It definitely feels more Clary-like. It always bugged me in Season One when she says, “I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl” when I’d barely seen her in anything but leather and high heels and not once complaining about it. She’s still impulsive and self-centered and Alec is still the only one who really calls her out on it. And he still gets reprimanded for it. They threw us in for a loop when Izzy got angry at Clary for hiding something from her so that was nice. But Clary ultimately didn’t really seem to care. She was all, “I know I messed up but we need to stick together.” And everyone just kind of accepts that. Clary, that may be how it works in your friendship with Simon, but sometimes other people need time and space when they feel betrayed by a friend. Why are there two guys in love with her again? Clary still puts up a hissy fit whenever she doesn’t get her way and again, no one calls her out on it. I can forgive book Clary for behaving this way because she’s 16 but in the show, she’s 18. She’s an adult, she needs to fucking act like one. TV Show Clary really is kind of a weak character but the show totes around that she’s strong and then completely back pedals. There’s moments even in 2A where she completely kicks ass against hordes of rogue shadowhunters and then struggles later on with one or two of them. Besides all of that, I always hated how quickly she picked up shadowhunting. I’ve always thought it was incredibly unrealistic. Jace gives her a 30 second seraph blade training session in a graveyard (ugh, I hated that scene so much) and she’s an expert at sword fighting. Alec gives her a 10 second staff-fighting training session and she’s an expert on that, as well. Only about a month has passed since the beginning of Season One to where Season 2A ended. I’m a martial artist so I can attest that you cannot pick up fighting that quick. It doesn’t even make sense in show canon either. All of the other shadowhunters have been training their entire lives and she becomes an expert in a couple of weeks. Come on. She saves the Lightwoods continuously by poking the demon one time. It completely devalues just how dangerous demon-fighting really is. Really, it’s too late to go back and figure out how she learned how to fight. That ship has sailed but the show now needs to make a decision on what kind of fighter she’s supposed to be. They need to quit going back and forth between her fighting skills just for plot convenience. Is she going to be a bad-ass, is she even going to be a competent fighter, or is she going to be someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing when it comes to fighting? The show really needs to make a decision on that front. And there’s no reason that she can’t jump from any of those levels into a different level; the show just needs to develop it. And that’s not what they’re doing here. Ultimately, I don’t have a problem with Clary being impulsive and self-centered and even selfless, I just want everyone to stop treating her like she’s a perfect, flawless, little angel. See her for exactly who she is, then I might believe these two guys are in love with her. Clary needs some sort of complexity to her personality. She is such a Mary Sue right now and I cannot take her seriously as a character.

But I’m not completely ragging on her character. She did have some nice moments in 2A. I really liked that moment in A Door Into The Dark when she goes to the Art Institute and starts painting. I thought that was a really nice moment for her character. The new Clary trying to get in touch with the old Clary again. I did like that she asks Jace and Simon to kill her if it ever looks like Valentine may legitimately be able to use her to destroy downworld. I also liked her moments when she was dealing with her mother’s death, particularly in episode 5, Dust and Shadows. I thought she was very realistic in that episode. So yeah, even though I ragged on her a lot in this. I don’t 100% hate her. She does have some nice moments.

6) The chemistry with Jace and Clary needs to get better.

7) A dark passionate portrayal of the incest storyline.

Again, these two kind of go together. Oh Season One Clace, how you disappointed me. Really, Season One was just a huge disappointment when it came to romantic pairings, in general. The show wanted so badly to get fans that they pushed every relationship in a way that was completely inorganic. They completely missed the point on why people like fandom relationships. It’s not important if these two character are together, what’s really important is how they got together. I hated the way Clace was developed in the first season. I hated their first interaction, I hated the graveyard scene, I hated the motorcycle scene, I especially hated their first kiss. The one scene I wouldn’t have minded (the 90% slap scene in the pilot) was filmed but they chose to cut it and I will never understand why. In the first season, their relationship is so cheesy that it’s impossible for me to take it seriously. After a certain amount of time, I was asking myself, “Are they trying to make a Clace parody? Is the intention to make fun of Clace?” It was that bad. And then, they had the first kiss which was extremely disappointing and rushed. I didn’t feel that Clace needed to be kissing in that moment. I wasn’t really feeling any Clace feels. Maybe other people were, who knows. I saw them kiss and I legitimately said to my screen, “What the hell is this shit? Why are they kissing? This makes no sense.” I guess Clary remembering how Jace said, “You have the sight” to her back in Episode One was just too much for her to handle. She just couldn’t resist him, his douche-baggery, and his non-existent charm anymore. What was even worse was that this scene takes place in the middle of the Institute with everyone watching. It boggles my mind as to why they swapped out the greenhouse scene for this shit. I will never understand it. In the book, their first kiss was a very romantic moment that was important to them as characters but in the show, it was nothing more than a make-out scene and that’s what I despise about it. They took out all of the emotion, everything that made their first kiss so special. The Clace chemistry on the show is also just plain weird at times. This could be because of the writing, though. Kat and Dom always felt really weird to me in Season One as a couple. They just didn’t feel like they were this ultimate pairing that I wanted to route for. They did get better later on in the season after the sibling thing was announced. That’s when their chemistry really started to improve. I don’t know if it was just because they were more comfortable around each other or if their chemistry just worked better as siblings. But regardless, it was much better towards the tail-end of the season.

Now, has the Clace chemistry gotten better in Season 2A? This is a difficult question to answer. Simply because they went through 2A believing that they were siblings and the showrunners clearly wanted to stay away from any of the creepy incest-like behavior that happens in the books. Understandable. It’s a very controversial topic within the fandom. But I am a little disappointed that the show didn’t really go into it. And before you haters start hating, I don’t say that because I like incest relationships. They creep me out just as much as you. What I like about the Clace-sibling dynamic was that yes, it was creepy, but it also showed the depth of their emotions. That even if they were siblings, something was still pulling them together and they couldn’t understand why and they couldn’t just ignore it even though they certainly tried to. I have a little head-canon theory that part of the reason why they’re so drawn to each other is because they share the same angel blood. You know, blood calls to blood. But that’s my own head-canon. I don’t believe Cassandra Clare ever stated that that was the reason in the books. And I also liked that those feelings are still very prevalent later on in the series even after the sibling thing is sorted out. They still are very much affected by their experience of being in love with each other despite believing they were siblings. So I am a little disappointed that 2A didn’t really go into those feelings. Jace really did feel like a supportive brother in this season and nothing more. We’ll see how their chemistry goes in 2B. It is interesting with Jace now knowing that Clary is not his sister but refusing to tell Clary because he wants her to be happy with Simon. I really liked that because it shows that Jace’s selfish love for Clary has turned into a selfless love. I get the feeling from the trailers that it’s not going to last very long though which is a shame. And to people who complain that they don’t like Climon, guess what? YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. Their dynamic is always supposed to be best as friends. People who complain about Climon have no concept of a slow-burn couple. I love slow-burn couples. It may take forever and a day for them to get together but when they do, it is that much sweeter because we actually got a development of that relationship, a development of feelings that those characters have for each other. So Clace shippers, just be patient. Your time will come and trust me, you will be so much happier that the show took it’s time with them as opposed to keeping them together right at the start. Pairings that get together right from the start are boring to me. They are never done right. Trust me, slow-burns are 100% more satisfying.

8) Isabelle getting her own story arcs.

Izzy is a character that never feels like she’s actually part of the story. Most of the time, it just feels like she’s along for the ride. Pretty much, all of her story arcs were just plot devices to move along someone else’s storyline. She’s there to help Jace and Alec and to be a friend to Clary, that’s pretty much it. I guess there’s her relationship with Meliorn but really, their relationship creeps me out due to their lack of chemistry and I don’t find them all that interesting as a pairing. Then there was the whole “Izzy on trial” thing which is a plot point I’m not even going to get into because I have so many issues with the storytelling part of it. Really, that plot point was insanely dumb and absolutely pointless to the rest of the story. There’s also the “Izzy is the best pathologist in NYC” as well. But again, there are a lot of story-telling issues with that. Suffice to say, this plot point came about simply because Ed Dector was trying to turn Shadowhunters into the crime procedural show he really wanted to produce. He didn’t actually stop and think, “Is this really a good idea? Is it going to make sense?” And the show pretty much forgets about this plot point when it’s inconvenient for the story because, again, it doesn’t really make sense and it would hinder the plot more often than it would help. Now, Isabelle is one of my favorite characters in the books and she is also one of my favorite characters in the show (even if they did do a pretty bad job with developing her). Ultimately, I just want to see more story arcs that develop her as a person. At this point, we get it. Izzy loves her family. She wants the best for her family. This isn’t news anymore. I would like to see some more aspects of her personality. Actually, now that I think about it, this is a recurring theme with the characters from Season One. The characters really were rather one-dimensional.

Did Izzy improve in 2A? Yes and no. 2A incorporated this drug addiction plot point which, in the beginning, I really liked. Some fans think its absolute trash but I’m not one of those fans. Granted, no one likes to see their beloved character go through a drug addiction storyline and I certainly do not enjoy seeing strong, fierce Izzy being weak. But that’s kind of the point with a drug addiction story. The fact that even the strongest of us can fall to a weakness at some point. In a story, it is essential for a character to come into conflict. That’s what allows us to explore the character and figure out who that character is as a person and eventually even care about that person. A drug addiction plot can be a good way to showcase that. Up until this point, Izzy has always been toted as this strong, independent person but in reality she’s plagued with self-doubt. She doesn’t think she’s as strong as everyone else thinks she is and that’s why she ultimately falls into the drug addiction. And I found that super interesting. The drug makes her feel strong both inside and out. Drug addictions are never fun to watch but I was interested in this when it first came out because I was interested to see what kind of growth we were going to get from Izzy as a character. Which is what I wanted. I wanted to see more aspects of her besides this strong girl who cares about her family. But, as we went further along in the drug addiction plot, Freeform kept on disappointing me. First off, they chose to use yin fen (the drug from The Infernal Devices) and then changed what yin fen actually is. I’m actually a little unclear on exactly what yin fen is on this show. I’m not sure if it’s vampire venom or if vampire venom is just an ingredient within the drug itself. The show keeps on going back and forth on it. But regardless, I don’t like that they changed it to vampire venom, period. It just completely devalues the horror story that yin fen actually is. I could’ve let it slide if the show just opted to not include The Infernal Devices in its canon and that yin fen was just now going to be its own separate thing. I could’ve been okay with that. But the show continues to dig itself an even bigger hole when they mention that Magnus’ friend, Jem, almost died from it. If you think about what the show is saying yin fen is and then mix it with Jem’s story, it doesn’t really make sense and I really hope that TID does not get adapted into the same story universe as Shadowhunters. Because boy, are there going to be plot holes. Second of all, near the end of 2A, it became very obvious that the reasoning for changing yin fen to vampire venom was so that the show could reveal a new sexuality to the show. You don’t agree with that? There is no other reason that the show would logically change yin fen to vampire venom unless it was to progress a storyline having to do with vampires. That being that Raphael is asexual. Now, Raphael being asexual is not the problem I have with this storyline. I actually think it’s really interesting and I’m excited to see it get explored. The problem I have with this storyline is that once again, Izzy was used as a plot device to push along someone else’s story and not her own. Throughout the course of this drug addiction plot, I didn’t feel that Izzy has really changed all that much or that we even really got to see someone all that different from the girl we got in Season One. She feels pretty much exactly the same. Granted, we still have 2B. Maybe more of this drug addiction is going to be developed in 2B. But still, I was disappointed in the show for once again making this a plot device to push along someone else’s character arc instead of making it abut Izzy. But like Clary, I’m not completely ragging on Izzy. Izzy did have some really great bad-ass moments that did mesh with her character so I really enjoyed those. I would like to see the show incorporate more with her whip but I can understand why they don’t. It’s pretty difficult to fight with a whip and the fight choreographers may not have a whole lot of time to incorporate it.

9) Some tension with Malec.

Another couple that the show feels the need to rush. Geez, this show really has no concept of slow-burn. What was interesting about Malec in the show is that they were actually developing Malec pretty decently when they first introduced them in Season One. I was enjoying seeing their story unfold in a slightly different way than in the books. Then, the writers got lazy. I liked that Malec was being subtly pushed together. It was working well for the show until Lydia Branwell was introduced. Don’t get excited, y’all. There will be no Lydia bashing here. I love Lydia. I wish the show would’ve done more with her. No, once Lydia and the arranged marriage was introduced into the story, that’s when Magnus became increasing desperate and it just did not mesh at all with his character. I didn’t like it. What made it even worse was that of course, they would bring Malec together in the cheesiest, most cliché way possible because this show only knows how to be cheesy and cliché. Whenever there’s a wedding, you know the forbidden love interest is going to show up and put to a stop to it. The Graduate, anyone? Not only was the whole wedding aspect super cheesy, I had a hard time reconciling that 1) Alec would be okay with outing himself to the entire Clave in this moment and 2) that Magnus would expect Alec to be willing to do it. Now, keep in mind, when I say this, I am not saying that it is not plausible for a homosexual adult to come out like this. I am saying that it was unrealistic for ALEC LIGHTWOOD to come out like this given the character development he had within that season. The show had been alluding to Alec being gay and his feelings for Jace and by the time the wedding scene happened, he hadn’t actually dealt with any of those issues so I had a hard time believing that Alec, as a character, would actually do this at this point in time. In the books, in a similar scene, it made sense because he had dealt with his Jace issues as well as his coming-out issues. Really, this wedding scene was just a fanservice product and nothing more. The show wanted to get the Malec fans immediately instead of doing a slow-burn like they kind of are in the books. As I’ve said before, what’s important is not that these two characters got together, it’s how they got together. And Season One just completely missed the mark on that one. And whereas I love the kiss they have in that episode, I still feel cheated that we never got to see any actual development of their relationship that would’ve made that scenario plausible.

I got a lot of hate on the original post for this one so I really felt like I needed to explain myself. Understand, I’m not saying gay people shouldn’t come out in public like that, I’m saying it was unrealistic for Alec to come out like this given the character development he had up to that point. Malec in Season One ultimately turned out to be a disappointment for me. They are one of my ultimate bookOTPs so I had very high expectations for them. Really, I hated that we never got to see their relationship progress in any way. That’s the problem I have with the way Malec is developed in this show. They’re always telling us what’s going on with them instead of showing us. The writers are breaking the cardinal rule of story-telling: You always want to show and not tell.

Now, did Malec improve in Season 2A? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m a little off and on about this one. Malec was very cute in 2A. They had a lot of really nice scenes. The issue I have is that Malec, as a couple, didn’t have a whole lot to do with the main plot. They were given maybe two or three 30-second scenes in an episode and that was all we got and those scenes never had much to do with the central plot. It always felt like they were just slipped in there to appease the fans. And that’s what I dislike about Show Malec. Say what you want about Book Malec. You can say that it didn’t focus on them nearly as much but at least in the books, when we did have Malec scenes, they were done in a way that still made them relevant to the main plot. And that’s what I want from Show Malec. I want them to be relevant to the actual plot of the show and not feel like their scenes were inserted at the last minute.

Another issue I had with them this season is just how quickly they went through the relationship milestones. One episode, they’re going on their first date (which was a fantastic first date, I loved it so much), couple of episodes later, they’re having their first time (I’ll get to that in a few). Couple of episodes later, they’re professing their love for each other. I just wish the writers would take their time with Malec and develop the relationship slowly and organically. If it keeps at the pace that it is, Malec is going to become stagnant before we know it and I don’t want to see that happen.

Lastly, Seaosn 2A had the issue with sex scenes or the non-existent sex scenes as is the case with Malec. Ordinarily, I don’t care about sex scenes. Most of the time, they’re never done right so I find them to be a complete waste of screen time in general but I can say the show dug itself a hole on the Malec sex issue. First off, they brought up Malec having sex front and center, and then they took a fade-to-black approach when it came to the actual act. Now, normally I wouldn’t have a problem with this. The problem is that it’s weird that previously, the show has never had an issue with sex scenes before with its heterosexual couples but yet they’re unwilling to go the same lengths for the homosexual couple. I can definitely understand why fans would be angry. In this context, it would appear the show is displaying passive homophobia. In Season 2B, I really hope the show addresses this. I like the new showrunners and I want them to keep on working but this is going to be a very hard issue to overcome if something isn’t done about it. The network really needs to make a decision on just how “edgy” they want to be. If they want to incorporate sex scenes in their show, that’s fine. I don’t necessarily think it’s important for a show like this but whatever. For a show like this, I think epic-ness is going to sell more than sex. If Freeform chooses to have sex scenes, they have to do it for everyone. It boggles my mind that Freeform did not see this one coming.

10) Please, let us never, ever see Jace and Alec fight again…EVER

Not gonna lie, the Jalec fight in Season One is one of the reasons why I didn’t particularly like the season. Understand, I’m not opposed to main characters fighting. That’s not the issue. I want my characters to have disagreements and falling outs. It’s what makes the relationships feel real. I just did not like the way the Jalec falling out was developed. It was dumb, lazy, and ultimately didn’t really make sense. The parabatai relationship is super important in the series and Season One made it look like it was just friends having a fight. I absolutely did not like it. I never want to see the show take this approach again.

But on the bright side, the show did so much better with the parabatai bond in 2A. There were so many call outs to the parabatai bond to how it actually is and I loved it. As I said before, that one scene in Parabatai Lost between Jace and Alec was absolutely beautiful. There were other parabatai moments that I also really liked. Jace telling Magnus that he better not hurt Alec, Jace being worried about Alec when Alec was stuck inside the institute while it was being attacked. There were so many great parabatai moments. See guys? I’m not completely ragging on the show. Season 2A gets a B on the parabatai improbvement, though. I give them a B because I didn’t particularly like everything that happened in Parabatai Lost regarding how Jace and Alec got into that situation in the first place but I’m not going to get into it here. I have a whole review that talks about it. You can read up on it there. You should be able to find it in my Shadowhunters Review tag. But everything else this season with the Jalec parabatai bond was great. I loved it.

11) Give the extras at the Institute a purpose or get rid of them

These extras, man. They just mess with the logic of the show so bad. Season 2A definitely did a much better job of incorporating them but still, I don’t like that they just kind of hang out at the Institute. Most of them don’t really do anything. They’re just walking scenery. Really, I’ve kind of gotten used to them but I do secretly hope that they will just one day, disappear. I did like the minor characters such as Raj and Lindsey. I think they could be fun as random inserts into the show. In that regard, I hope the show keeps them around. But overall, the extras are really pointless and the show is wasting their money paying extras who don’t really need to be there.

12) Better fight scenes

13) Better CGI

OMG! The fight scenes were such an improvement from Season One. I loved them so much. As I’ve said before, I do martial arts, so fight scenes are important to me and I am critical of them. Particularly the ones in Season One. The fight scenes in Season One, by themselves, are not bad. The show just edited them badly because I guess the show didn’t want to put too much effort into the choreography and CGI, maybe. Regardless, there was a drastic improvement in Season 2A. It was great. The seraph blades actually look like swords now and not light sabers so that’s an improvement in itself. Izzy’s whip turns into a staff which I thought was super cool. I do wish we could see Izzy fighting with her whip more but I understand why the show doesn’t want to do it.

The new CGI was pretty great, too. Magnus’ magic was really fun to watch not to mention the demon in Dust and Shadows was incredibly creepy…like American Horror Story Season One scary. You remember, back in the day when American Horror Story was actually scary. No offense to those who may still find American Horror Story scary. I, personally, find it to be more of a thriller show than a horror show these days. But anyways, I’m so glad we’re past the days of Shadowhunters Season One crappy CGI. The show gets an A+ on that improvement.

14) No more huge, gaping plot holes or storylines that don’t lead anywhere

This is more of a problem with the show’s general storytelling. Season One was just a mess in terms of storytelling, I’m sorry to say. This was the number one reason for why I didn’t particularly like the show in its freshman season. You know how there are CGI snobs? People who will gripe and complain if CGI is not up to society’s current standards? Well, I am a plot snob. If a plot is bad or it has plot holes, I’m not going to keep quiet about it. I spend pretty much all of my free time watching movies, tv shows, anime, reading books and fanfiction, writing stories, etc. Storytelling is incredibly important to me and I will not apologize for holding Shadowhunters to the same standard of writing that I would hold any other tv series. The way this show is written at times is so unbelievably lazy, at times. Particularly in Season One. Plot holes, galore.

Now, did the show get better at its story telling in 2A? Yes and no. I say yes, because at least the episodes are arcing properly now. They weren’t in the first season. I can’t tell you how often a Season One episode chose to end on the climax part of the story and I was like, “Wait. What? Where’s the rest if it?” That’s an arcing issue. You don’t want to end on a climax all the time. It makes the show feel very disjointed. It should be climax, aftermath, and then end credits. An episode can end on a climax but it’s best if a tv series saves that for a finale type episode. Now, I say no that the show did not get better with its storytelling because the plot feels incredibly “easy” at time. So many really convenient things happen in this show and there’s not a whole lot of explanation for why it happened. The team is trying to find a kidnapped girl and the first homeless person they find knows exactly what happened. Convenient. In Day of Wrath, a demon gets into the Institute. How? Well, the demon has cloaking abilities apparently. No explanation for why it has cloaking abilities besides Valentine’s experiments. It’s never talked about again. Convenient. Madsie having the ability to get through the Institute’s wards. Convenient. The Mortal Sword just so happens to have the ability to decimate all of downworld which is exactly what Valentine wants. Convenient. An adamas stone can somehow be used to track a parabatai when it’s never been mentioned before. Convenient. The Mortal Sword doesn’t have to be powered by a bolt of lightning. Valentine can just use an angelic power core that’s located in every Institute. A plot point that has never been stated before. Convenient. You see where I’m going with this. There is no complexity to the world at all. The writers just pull things out of their asses when it comes to moving the plot along. No one actually works for the story at all and I would definitely like to see that changed in 2B. I would like the storylines to be a little more complex than what we’re getting. This show irritates me to no end in regards to its storytelling and if anything, that is what’s going to make me drop this series.

That’s pretty much all I had to say regarding the list I made last year. Here are some hopes I would like to see in 2B.

Luke

I really want Luke to become a more active character in this show. In 2A, it felt like we barely got to see him. He is a main character but yet it feels like he never really has a whole lot of purpose within the story. Luke is a bad-ass character in the books and the show really hasn’t even scratched the surface with him and I would like to see more of him. Hopefully, he becomes much more of an active character in 2B. It definitely feels like the downworlder community is going to play a bigger role in 2B so maybe by proxy, Luke is going to be back on a more consistent basis.

Maia

My hope for Maia is that the show develops her character a little more. I really liked her character when it was first introduced in the show but in 2A, she was doing things that didn’t really make a whole lot of sense for her character. I do understand why Maia wanted to kill Clary. I got that. However, I didn’t like how Maia just immediately jumped to killing when there was a scene earlier on in the season insinuating that she has a problem with killing. I just wish her decision to kill Clary actually had some sort of emotional weight to it. Maia was also incredibly overbearing in this moment, as well. I get that she made a decision to do this but at the same time she was also completely unwilling to accept the consequences that would come with killing Clary. That being she would’ve destroyed any relationship she might’ve had with Luke and Simon. Clary is pretty much Luke’s daughter and she’s also the girl Simon has been in love with since he was a kid. It boggles my mind that Maia would possibly think Simon and Luke would ever forgive her for killing Clary. She comes off in the show being all, “This is what needs to be done. Why are you two ostracizing me? I thought we were friends?” It would’ve been fine if Maia made the cold-hearted decision to kill Clary and that she also accepted the consequences of such an act but the fact that she can’t understand why Luke and Simon aren’t on her side is what bothers me. Particularly, since she knows what Clary is to Simon and Luke. Hopefully, she’ll be developed a little more in 2B.

Sizzy

I kind of hope the show start alluding a little more to Simon and Izzy’s relationship. Of course, I’m not saying that I want them to be together by the end of 2B. As I’ve said before, I’m a fan of slowburns and Sizzy most certainly is a slow-burn. I wouldn’t mind them starting to allude to it a little more, though. I know people are yammering on about Saphael and I don’t mind if Saphael becomes a thing. Or even Rizzy. The asexual thing is kind of interesting. I just want Sizzy to be endgame. That’s really the only thing I want from this show. There’s just something so fun and interesting about the nerd ending up with the hot, sexy demon hunter. I mean, I was hoping for Sizzy before Cassandra Clare even started developing their relationship in the books. They’re just such a fun pair.

Sebastian

Well, of course I have to mention Sebastian. I really hope the show does him justice. Sebastian is such an interesting character and an interesting villain. He is a completely different villain from Valentine and I really hope the show harps on those differences. I’m really excited to see what the show does with him. I saw a synopsis of what his character is supposed to be on the show and whereas it doesn’t really feel like that’s Sebastian, I’m withholding all judgement until 2B comes out.

The Destruction of the Shape-Shifting Rune

This is a really naïve hope that I have. I know there is absolutely no way they’d actually get rid of this rune but it still doesn’t change how much I hate it. This rune is such a huge plot hole. I called it when it was first introduced. I said the writers were not prepared for the huge can of worms that this rune was going to open and I was spot on. The rune completely devalues Tessa from The Infernal Devices. Infernal Devices aside, I hate this rune on principle, alone. It makes absolutely no sense to me that this rune exists, shadowhunters know it exists, they realize anyone can use it, and yet they’re duped by it EVERY SINGLE TIME. I suppose if the show doesn’t want to get rid of the rune, maybe they could create some rules for this rune. It is so important that magic have limits and I hate that this rune appears to have no limits. Also, Sebastian better not be revealed by using that rune. I will be so disappointed with Shadowhunters if they try to use that rune as a plot twist again. It wasn’t that surprising the first time around or the second time around; if they try to use it again, I don’t know if the show will ever be able to recover in my eyes.

Ultimately, I am still enjoying watching this show to a certain extent. They are doing some interesting things with the story. If I could tell the showrunners one thing though, I would tell them, “Quit the fanservice and just tell the story.” A lot of times, it feels like the main plot gets put on the back burner because the show feels the need to engage in the fans’ desires for the characters. I realize this is coming off a little hypocritical since I just finished talking about things I wanted to see in 2B. But if 2B chooses to ignore everything that I want, I would still be happy with the show if they ignored all fanservice desires and just TOLD THE STORY. I go off and on about whether or not Shadowhunters is actually a good show and part of the problem is that the showrunners care too much about what the fans want. For me, what makes a good show is just watching a story unfold and see how the characters develop within that story. If the showrunners were to ignore the fans to a certain extent and just tell the story, the show would definitely be MUCH stronger. But they’re always consumed with doing the politically correct thing and trying not to insult certain factions of the fandom and it’s actually hindering the development of the story. I can already feel the number of hate messages about to hit my ask box but you know what? I don’t care. I just want to see a story unfold and characters develop within that story in a realistic way. That is all I want from Shadowhunters. So if the showrunners were to ignore everything else that I would like to see in 2B, I would still be happy with the show if it, at least, managed to tell a coherent story. I can’t necessarily call Shadowhunters a good show at this point in time. For me, Shadowhunters is a conglomeration of nice scenes but without much of a story in the background and I sincerely would like to see that change. Right now the show is probably at a B- for me, overall.

Well, these are my feelings regarding Shadowhunters right now. Again, these are my opinions. They, in no way, reflect anyone else’s. I would love to hear what anyone else is thinking about 2B. Do you agree with what I said? Do you disagree? As a reminder, I will ignore anyone who is rude so if you are going to send me hate and you want me to respond, you might want to try moderating your tone. I’m an adult and I expect everyone else to behave as mature adults. Really, bullying is beneath us and I will not tolerate it. Let’s create a fandom that is supportive of everyone’s opinions. Fandoms can be so much fun if there’s support but they’re an absolute nightmare if you have to worry about the hate you’re about to receive every time you post. I left for a couple of months and delved deep within the anime fandoms which was great. I really needed the break. And along the way, I found Dragonball Z Abridged by Team Four Star. If you have not seen it, you absolutely need to. It is absolutely hilarious. I love it so much! Maybe even more than the original series… o

[pinkmilkyblue]

Sonnet 34: A Rotten Prequel (Nick’s P.O.V.)

Hi everyone! We’ve come down to the last chapter of this fic… For those who have made it this far, thank you so much! It means so much to me… This chapter is where things get a little messy so prepare yourselves hehe. Sorry again if anything is ooc or inaccurate. I’ve only seen the show once, so this is my version of how things happen. So let’s get this show on the road!! Enjoy! :D

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

The Tale of Thomas and Celeste was a success, not award-winning or anything, but it was better than I had hoped for. With William in the troupe, our shows were better. And as time passed, our friendship grew.

We did everything together. Everyday, after rehearsals, we would accompany Nigel to  the library to read him stories and poems. William and I would act these out for him, and Nigel always cheered happily at the end. Then, the librarian would end up kicking us out… as usual. But it didn’t matter because soon after, we would stroll along the park and relax on the grass.

Whenever I was stressed out, William would stay up at night to help me. Sometimes, I made tea so we wouldn’t suddenly fall asleep. Sometimes, he would run lines with me to check if the dialogue was smooth. And sometimes, we would just end up talking to each other in the middle of the night until Nigel would wake up, come down and see what was going on.

The three of us also joked around often. Once, Will forced me to wear tight leather pants for the entire day. It was horrible. I never understood how he could pull it off… Other times, Will would sleepover when he tended to get lonely. We built pillow forts then knocked them down to have pillow fights. Though, these eventually turned into very intense tickle fights… And once we tucked Nigel into bed with a nice bedtime story, Will and I would lay awake on our mattresses and share stories to each other until past midnight. However, we would always regret this decision during our exhausting rehearsals the next morning…

Will was always there. He was present for some of the greatest and hardest moments of my life. When Nigel and I finally rented our own small house, Will helped us pack, move in, and everything. He even brought me to the orchard where I met Bea, my future wife. And when Nigel and I got very sick, Will never left our side.

It was moments like these that made me realize how lucky I was. Everything was great, and I couldn’t ask for more.

But I screwed it all up.

After three years, William started writing again. He was very skilled with the quill; even more than he was on stage. Everyone, including Nigel, practically adored him. It never bothered me at first, but with the constant cheers and praises from Nigel, the troupe, and even myself, his confidence grew. It grew and would eventually bring about his massive ego today. That’s when it started to get irritating.

This only made me more insecure. As his confidence grew, so did my jealousy. We became best friends through the years, but I couldn’t help envying him.  It was intimidating. That was only the beginning.

Over time, William started to suggest his ideas to the troupe. He would show me his scripts almost every week, and each one better than the other. Each one better than mine.

The others loved it. I remained positive because he was my best friend. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I constantly tried my best to ignore his ideas and not think about them because I thought that if I did, he would eventually stop.

But I was wrong.

This only made him more determined to write. His work got plenty of admiration from Nigel and the troupe. It annoyed me. He was practically my brother outside the troupe. But during troupe hours, I didn’t know what to do. Everyday just made it worse. Thankfully, the hours after helped me get through it.

But they didn’t stop the inevitable.

Everything crumbled that one night.

“Argh! This is rubbish! Nobody is going to watch this!” I cried to myself as I crumpled the script I was working on

 It had been a stressful day. Every little thing seemed to make me snap.

Nigel came up to me and said, “It’s alright, you’ll find something.”

“What’s going on?” a voice from behind me asked.

It was Will.

“Nothing. Just go back to rehearsing.” I dismissed him.

“I can help!” he offered, approaching us.

I groaned silently. “Fine,” I said.

So, Will came up to us with sheets of parchment that he had written on. He handed the pile to me, and I skimmed through it. As expected, the writing was really good.

“Nick! Can I see?” Nigel asked eagerly, jumping up and down in excitement. I gave the script to my brother who eventually presented it to the entire troupe.

Great.

“This is brilliant, Will!” Nigel exclaimed.

“It’s amazing!”

“The best thing I’ve ever read!”

“A masterpiece!” the actors gushed over his writing.

Ugh. Not again… I thought in frustration.

“So, what did you think Nicky?” Will asked curiously.

“No.” I replied.

“Sorry?”

“I said no. We are not using this.” I concluded angrily.

Slightly taken aback, Will frowned. “Why not, Nicky?”

I ignored him.

“You never listen to my ideas! Why?” he argued.

“It doesn’t matter.” I said, trying to end this argument. But Will was clearly frustrated.

“If it bothers you, just tell me!” he said annoyed.

“Can we please change the s-”

“No!”

Now, the entire troupe was staring at us.

“Just tell me, Nicky. Why don’t you ever hear me out? Everyone else seems to love my work except you! You act like you know everything and I’m sick of it. I’m sure I could run this place just as good as you could.” said Will fuming.

The troupe started to mumble in approval. “See? Even they agree with me.” he said, tilting his head towards them.

Rage filled my head until I finally snapped. I glared at William and said, “But you’re not leader. I am.”

“Well, you’re not doing a very good job at it, are you?”

The room fell silent.

“Just let me help.” he pleaded desperately.

“I don’t need it. I can figure it out on my own.” I retorted before returning to my desk.

But I was stopped in my tracks when Will suddenly yelled, “You know what, fine! I know you’re stressed out, Nicky. We all are.”

“I’ll be back when Nicholas gets himself together!”

The troupe gasped as he stormed out the theatre, slamming the door behind him. I just stood there in shock.

My emotions instantly switched to concern as Nigel started to hyperventilate. I immediately dismissed the rest of the troupe before rushing to my brother’s aid. It took a bit longer, but I eventually calmed him down and tucked him in for bed.

It was already past midnight and I was exhausted. I laid on my bed, but I couldn’t sleep. There was too much going on in my head.

Why was I so angry? Will was my best friend, so why was I so jealous? Did that make me a horrible friend? Of course it did. I couldn’t figure out why I snapped. Maybe it was all the stress of that day. Maybe Will’s talent was too much for me to handle. Or maybe I just couldn’t accept the fact that Will was better than me. But why would that bother me? He was my best friend…

Eventually, all the thoughts running through my mind were finally enough to lull me to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up and tried my best to forget about what happened. It would be better for everyone if I just ignored it all.

After breakfast, Nigel and I headed to the theatre to start the day. Once we arrived, we noticed all the members crowded around something. They were smiling, nodding and whispering amongst themselves.

I approached them and asked, “What’s going on?”

“Will finished the script last night and it’s perfect!” one of the actors exclaimed.

“Great.” I said sarcastically, faking a smile.

Will, who was in the middle of the crowd, noticed I had arrived and shouted, “Nicky! You’re here!” while maneuvering through the troupe members. When he reached me, he handed the finished script.

“What do you think?” he asked. I read through it and felt my temper from yesterday rising again. I didn’t want it to, but I just couldn’t control it.

Without even thinking I lied saying, “It’s okay, I guess.”

Will raised a brow.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I went on. “Listen, your writing isn’t that good to be honest…” I told him out of jealousy.

The words just slipped out of my mouth. “I think it would be better if you just left the troupe to…um….improve. I honestly couldn’t care less…” I shrugged.

Will stared at me, heartbroken.

I could see the pain in his eyes. And for the first time that day, I noticed how red and puffy they were.

My heart sank.

I regretted my actions instantly. The second that I said those things, I wished I hadn’t. I opened my mouth and struggled to explain, but no words came out. Just silence.

“Fine. I will!” he cried.

Nigel was the first to react. “Will! Don’t go!” he cried, grabbing his arm.

The young actor smiled sadly. “I’m afraid I must, Nigel.” he sighed.

Nigel started to cry. Tears rolled down his cheeks and they wouldn’t stop. He gave him one last hug before finally letting go.

Will took one last look at the troupe then directly at me.

Our eyes locked.

“Parting is such sorrow.” he said miserably.

With that, my best friend; the man who I treated like a brother, left the theatre.

So, yeah… Why does Shakespeare hate me? Well, there’s your answer. Now you know…

I never wanted him to leave. Yes, I was jealous. But I really only ever hated his talent; not him. He was my greatest friend; my only true friend. So when he began writing again, I knew that the time would come when he would go solo as a famous playwright and leave us behind. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t lose my best friend.

But I did. He abandoned us, and I hate him for it.

However, to tell you the truth, despite all my jealousy, pride and anger, I just really hate the way he makes me feel about me…

I hate him because it’s not his fault. I really wish that it was his fault, and not mine. I admit it. I screwed up, and I might even regret it. Deep inside, not a day passes where I don’t feel that disgusting twinge of guilt. But, maybe he’s right:

“Nor can thy shame give physic to my grief;

Though thou repent, yet I have still the loss.

The offender’s sorrow lends but weak relief

To him that bears the strong offense’s cross.”

Maybe, just maybe, a tiny part of me continues to hope that his next sonnet can forgive me. But that’s impossible. He hates me now. There’s nothing else I can do but hate him too…

NOTE: You made it! I thank you again from the bottom of my heart for reading this fic. It would be so great if you could tell me what you thought about the entire thing and stuff. The ending is sad I know, but I’m sure they’ll fix their friendship someday with the help of Bea and Nick’s child (at least that’s how I see it)… Also the last few lines are a hint to the next sonnet which is Sonnet 35. It’s basically about forgiveness, so I think we can safely say Will forgave him eventually (after Nick apologizes of course)… I’m actually thinking about working on a continuation fic based on Will’s P.O.V but we’ll see…

Thanks for reading again! I hope you enjoyed my story! :)

[rubiaryutheroyal]

When Something Smells It’s Gotta Be Cthulhu - Ep 5

Gyakuten Saiban CoC (Call of Cthulhu)

Uploader: 久瀬 さん (Kuze san)

mylist: http://www.nicovideo.jp/mylist/58256490

Ep 5: http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm30649341

Nicoviewer: http://nicoviewer.net/sm30649341

–

This video series is a replay of a CoC game played with the uploader’s family & friends featuring GS characters (Phoenix, Maya, Edgeworth, Larry), with a few tweaks in the dialogue. It follows a scenario provided by kanin @ <http://kanin-hib.hateblo.jp/> called “Touring the Town”.

The real game has begun.

KP: As I said earlier, the investigators wake up before the sun has risen. Yet, you hear the bustling of the town like during the day outside the window, and you find it unnatural. Oh, yeah. The clock reads 6:00.

Edgeworth: Let's go check outside.

KP: In the dimly lit darkness, you see people moving around busily as during the day. They all seem to be going about as usual.

Maya: I wake up Nick, who may be sleeping beside me, saying, "T-there's some kind of noise outside!"

KP: "Ugh... It's still dark out, Maya..." I reply drowsily, but then (Hm? Maya...?) and I wake up flustered.

Larry: Maybe the clock is broken?

KP: It's 6:00 on a 24-hour clock, so it's 6:00 in the morning.

Larry: Then maybe it's just really bad weather? It's gotta be.

Maya: "Oh, sorry, Nick... We just ended up sleeping together like this last night," I tell him, "But seems like people get up really early here..."

Edgeworth: Hm... If the hotel hostesses are already awake, I'd like to ask them a few questions...

KP: Okay, um, one of the workers has passed by just outside your door, greeting you with a "Good morning. What would you like for breakfast?"

Larry: ???

KP: However, however many times you look out, it's still dark outside.

Larry: Hey, do people usually wake up this early?

KP: "I am an employee here, after all." She says that with a smile and asks again, "Good morning. What would you like for breakfast?"

Edgeworth: Hm?

Larry: Uh, but it sounds like everyone else is already awake...

Edgeworth: N-no, thank you, it's a bit early for breakfast. ...Excuse me, but it seems the people in this town wake up rather early, yes? It's not just you.

Maya: H-huh...? Now Nick and I have come out into the hall. "People are pretty busy outside. Is there some kind of festival going on? Are they preparing...?" I ask.

KP: "Good morning. What would you like for breakfast?" The worker once again repeats what she said, completely like a decor piece left in the garden.

Larry: Whatever we say, she just says the same thing!? Scary!!

KP: Yep. That's right, just like talking with any old NPC in a video game.

Larry: H-hello?

Edgeworth: ...We don't need it, ma'am.

KP: "Very well. If you need anything, please let me know."

Edgeworth: U-understood...

KP: Larry thinks, "Somehow, this lady reminds me of a girlfriend I used to know," and Edgeworth thinks she somewhat reminds him of Franziska von Karma.

Larry: Huh? Wait, you don't mean Wendy (temp name), do you...?

Maya: N-Nick... (This lady is kinda weird.)

Phoenix: ...She does seem a little strange.

KP: Well, even after saying that in front of her, the worker simply smiles back.

Edgeworth: Mmph... May we go investigate around the hotel?

KP: Sure. But, you don't find anything different from yesterday. The workers are walking about, and perhaps so are the other guests. All like it was during the day.

(Larry: It's freaking me out!)

(Maya: I-I'm scared...!)

Edgeworth: Let's listen to what the other guests are saying.

KP: Even with the other guests, you can't start up a conversation. They all just repeat the same thing over and over.

Larry: Why are we the only ones who are still normal...?

Maya: This is scary and weird...

KP: As a matter of fact, the only ones who you can converse with are you four.

Larry: Hakkopatra? What about Hakkopatra?

KP: I dunno.

Edgeworth: ...Is this supposed to be some sort of dream or whatnot...?

Maya: All the locals and the guests don't seem... shocked at all, huh...

KP: I then ask, "I hope we'll get something to eat? We should check outside."

Edgeworth: Then let's look around.

Larry: Should we be holding onto something before we go? The whole place feels really freaky and horrifying...

KP: In any case, we should pack up our luggage and head out, and decide where to eat later. If you want, we can keep them as provisions.

Edgeworth: Food, huh... Would we be fine without eating? But then, we'll be moving around on empty stomachs...

Larry: I'm hungry, man. Can't we eat first? It's not like we wouldn't ever return if we just ate something... Anyway, let's just pack up our stuff.

KP: I say we won't get anywhere like this. We should be fine if we eat something.

Maya: So we can go eat?

KP: We can. We won't be getting much of a conversation with people, but they'll at least respond to certain choices.

Edgeworth: When I said "We don't need it" to that worker earlier, she did respond accordingly.

Larry: Okay, let's eat!

Maya: So we'll talk things over back in Nick's room and order something to eat...?

KP: It's still the same helpful desk as yesterday. Or not. You can't really get the same feeling. It's like a system limitation. Anyway, the four of us should gather around think about what to do.

Larry: Then we talk while we eat!!

Edgeworth: First, we should head out and look around... And when our appointment comes, we can go to the library... for the time being.

KP: I agree that we should check outside. We don't really know what's going on.

Maya: "I also think it's all so weird!" I say, but I agree with looking around... but I'll stay close to Nick. It's scary out there...

KP: At least the taste of the food hasn't changed from yesterday. It does feel like we're gnawing on something tasteless, though.

Larry: I may be scared, but the natto is still flavorful...

(Phoenix: Hehe.)

KP: Heading outside into the unknown, you see people going to and fro in the dim moonlight as if it were daytime. They haven't changed from yesterday either; rather, it looks like everything is going as it had been that day.

Maya: Do we have anything we may need in our stuff? Like, something valuable or...?

KP: Well, anything that aren't prohibited items like pruning scissors are okay for PCs to hold. (1)

Edgeworth: I usually keep my personal items on hand anyway, and I don't have many. I'll use this Six Code Compendium as a weapon.

KP: Are you going to use it as a bludgeon?

Larry: The Thinker clock...?

Maya: And now a murder weapon...

Thinker: Now? I think it's 7:00.

Larry: This way, we can even check the time!

KP: Now then... the investigators have come outside, and out in that clear and cloudless night sky, you see "something you could never get used to".

Edgeworth: Mmh...

KP: If you look up there, there's an irregular black circle like the moon floating in the sky and covering up the sun. It's creating a darkness that's not quite from a solar or lunar eclipse, and it swallows up the light, making a completely black, gaping hole in the sky. Dark and darker, a darkness that you've never seen before. You experience a terror that could swallow your mind and soul whole. The investigators will have to roll 1/1D6 for sanity check.

[All roll: Edgeworth, SAN (65) -> 64, success Larry, SAN (75) -> 93, fail Maya, SAN (70) -> 64, success Phoenix, SAN (69) -> 06, success]

[roll: SAN loss (1D6) -> 4]

KP: Everyone loses 1, while Larry loses 4.

Edgeworth: Wh... what is that thing...?

Phoenix: It's... not the moon.

Larry: W-what the heck is thaaat!? It's over! The world is ending!! I cling to Nick!!

KP: Both sides have been held.

Maya: It's so black... What is that...?

Phoenix: Looking at it takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Maya: Don't joke about scary things, Nick!

Edgeworth: ...I don't know what its nature is... In any case, we should check around town. Hopefully, we can find someone to talk to.

KP: You can call it the hole in the sky. Or just "the hole".

Maya: Anyway, let's just check around town...? But no one's going to talk with us...

KP: Well, we haven't yet met someone who can talk. Oh, but other than the darkness, at first glance everything seems to be the same as usual, though you feel uncomfortable with how people are passing by each other as if falling in line. You can roll for idea.

[All roll: Edgeworth, Idea (85) -> 46, success Larry, Idea (50) -> 23, success Maya, Idea (75) -> 82, fail Phoenix, Idea (85) -> 61, success]

Maya: I'm too scared, so I just cling to Nick!!

KP: Then, the three men notice that "everyone is looking like they're recollecting something". Where they once met is scattered all over, but they have the appearance of people they've previously met.

Larry: W-why are they...?

KP: Amidst it all... are those they can no longer meet. Even the dead are mixed in with them. (2)

Larry: Am I the only one who doesn't have someone to see!?

KP: Larry, you also can see them, right? I'll do a sanity check... but everyone can roll too if they want?

Edgeworth: ...The dead cannot be brought back to life. Isn't that right?

Larry: I'm just walking around looking at people without thinking about my past... (3)

KP: Even as the NPC, I'll do a sanity check myself.

[roll: SAN (68) -> 27, no loss]

Maya: Sorry, Nick... I just wanted to come here to check out a power spot and you ended up falling over and getting hurt...

KP: It's fine, Maya... In the middle of town, there's still discomfort mixed in with the scene. A "mineral object" you don't remember seeing is sprouting here and there.

Larry: You mean like the stuff we saw in Limestone Cavern?

KP: The investigators walking through town assume "this object that wasn't here yesterday".

Edgeworth: I'm curious about that cave... but our appointment... Well, I suppose we won't be able to keep it...

KP: Then, I think about the blue nature rocks we saw in that store, and while it's clearly a lot larger than those, it does look quite like them.

Edgeworth: May we examine this stone further?

KP: Examine? How?

Maya: I dunno if we should touch it...

KP: I can be the sacrifice. I'm just an NPC, after all.

Larry: If you're gonna be that careless, then why not me?

Edgeworth: ...We can't let someone who fell do it. Good luck, Larry.

KP: You were holding back Larry earlier, but now you just tell him to sacrifice himself!? (4)

Larry: "Whoa!? What's this!?" I say as I step close and touch it!!

Maya: So carefree!

Phoenix: L-Larry!

Edgeworth: "Hey, Larry!! Don't go and touch it!" Is what my PC says, but well done, Larry.

KP: Uh... How much MP do you have now?

Larry: 15!

KP: Then, your success rate is 75. Give it a roll.

Larry: Huh? Uh, okay.

[roll: ??? (75) -> 15, success]

KP: So, Larry, upon touching a part of it, loses a bit of his body temperature for an instant to the ice-like rock and fortunately moves away in time. After witnessing the strange properties of the mineral, the investigators will roll (0/1D3) for sanity checks.

Larry: Eep!

[roll: SAN (71) -> 33, success]

KP: Hm, didn't drop at all. But, you might not be able to move your right hand's fingers. If you try hard enough, you can still keep them.

(Larry: Gaah!)

(Maya: Waah!)

Phoenix: L-Larry? Are you alright?

Larry: Waaaah!! Wawawaah!! N-N-Niiick!!

Maya: Are you okay, Larry!?

Larry: It's super cold! Freezing!!

KP: You withdraw from the stone in a hurry.

Maya: "What happened?" I say as I help pull him away...

Edgeworth: W-what's wrong, Larry!? That's why I told you not to touch it...!

Larry: It's so cold! It's freezing! I think my fingers are frozen!

Phoenix: Frozen...?

Maya: I-it freezes you!? That's terrible--!!

Edgeworth: ...So it's not something meant to be touched.

KP: We get a sense to leave the mineral alone and not get back to it.

Edgeworth: If he failed, just what would have happened?

KP: Who knows? I even said it was okay that I touch it instead.

Edgeworth: Of course we wouldn't let that happen!

Maya: "N-n-no!! Don't do it, Nick!" I tell him!!

KP: Um, okay then, since the town itself is still functioning as it were, you can still use the hotels, buses, taxis, and such. If you need the town map left at the front and inside the hotel, just ask. And let me know where you'll be going. However, if you ask anything about the mineral, I won't answer.

Edgeworth: Have the accessory straps we bought yesterday changed in any way? If so, we'll toss them.

Maya: Maybe, I'm still holding onto it! Did it change!?

KP: It hasn't. It's safe to touch.

Larry: The townspeople won't answer, will they...? Do they know?

KP: They don't know. Or maybe they do. They'll just repeat the usual dialogue.

Edgeworth: We agreed to meet at the library at 8:00, but I suspect that young lady won't be there...?

KP: If you head there at 8:00, she won't be there.

Edgeworth: ...Can we enter on our own?

KP: It's locked, so you either have to find the key, pick the lock, or break it open.

Edgeworth: Hm... We can't pick the lock... And I figure the library's perimeter won't have anyone with the key. (5)

KP: Nope.

Maya: U-um... So we can't just... borrow it, huh...

Larry: Could we try picking it anyway!?

Edgeworth: Urgh... I'd rather not have to break it... Shall we try picking it? (6)

KP: Initial value is 1.

Edgeworth: Then, it's pointless.

KP: Well, even if you do try something so shady, no one's going to punish you.

Maya: Huh... I get it, but... should we...? Just like that...

KP: There may be someone out there who may be able to talk with you, but everyone around here may just act like NPCs.

Larry: Even Adzukkii and Hakkopatra... (7)

Edgeworth: ...Should we search the town hall again? I have a feeling we may turn up empty, though...

KP: You can search for the key too, there might be some employee you can find.

Maya: Should we go look?

Larry: Let's go for it!

Edgeworth: Hm, we'll search for this employee, and if they aren't cooperative, we'll apologize and borrow the key, for the sake of the truth.

KP: OK. Then, next stop is the town hall. Oh, by the way, there is a scenario for the option to kill an NPC. (8)

Edgeworth: There is...?

Larry: Huh... but aren't we like warriors of light?

Maya: Warriors of light...

Larry: We're no Dark Side! Haaah... there shines a light from behind Nick! ...Wait, behind?

KP: Why are you questioning what you just said yourself?

Larry: I was thinking about it, if you carry Maya on your back, then...

Maya: Huh? Should he carry me?

KP: Maya, as you are now, you're too much...

==

PC 1: Miles Edgeworth

[SAN: 64]

PL

He's brought both fumbles and criticals. He's also been GM many times, and when he's a PL, he can get a sense for what the GM is planning and he plays with a sound mind and good will. As a GM, he's died to a bad roll and is bothered by it. He's also made three consecutive fumbles (2nd).

--

PC 2: Larry Butz

[SAN: 71]

PL

Abound with consistent dice eyes. Thanks to that, his CoC runs often have moments of unstoppable insanity. Since he plays characters with lots of energy, he has no choice but to play as "this being known as Larry". He excels at puzzling thought processes, so whether as GM or PL, he leads everyone into confusion.

--

PC 3: Maya Fey

[SAN: 69]

PL

Abound with consistent dice eyes, but by some special ability, she can also crash and burn. Other than failing sanity checks and evasion, her basic luck is good. The person herself is usually good-natured, yet can also be overexcited, and that creates a PC who often doesn't get what people, herself or others, are really thinking.

--

KP: Phoenix Wright

[SAN: 68]

Has had many fumbles and many criticals. When faced with dilemmas of many vs alone, he gets really good dice eyes. As the GM, though he doesn't have any fighting skills, he usually gets into fights. Despite the PC he plays, he can last insanely long through endurance battles. He's also made three consecutive fumbles (1st).

==

Episode 5: Atsuki Town's Bizarre Chapter

==

(1) According to this KP, he doesn't have any particular restrictions to carry-on items.

(2) During this session, Phoenix sees Mia, Edgeworth sees his father, etc. but due to video complications, they were omitted.

(3) Larry did have a girlfriend he lost back in episode 1-1, but his PL would rather not roleplay it.

(4) The KP is grateful to the players to not let their NPC be their meat shield, but wonders why to this extent?

(5) Whatever their chances, the library is meant to be closed, but the KP keeps that to himself.

(6) As there's not many restrictions on belongings, outside of emergencies, criminal activity will be strictly monitered.

(7) Larry really likes them.

(8) Offering it without context to troubled PLs can raise their intent to kill.

[spiderfan22]

DAY TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHT - 2/1/17

“DUMPLINGS: A ONE-MAN PLAY FOR TWO ACTORS” (COMPLETE) by DJS

Finished it! More or less happy with the end result. The awesome thing is not knowing where the story is going. In fact, I read a blog the other day with tips on playwriting and it strongly recommended knowing your ending before starting out, and while that may work for some, I just couldn’t imagine denying myself the pleasure of discovering what the characters have in store for me. For instance, the whole bit with the hospital. Since the moment the character of Guest introduced that whole thing into the conversation, I was fairly confident Dan would have to address it and tell his story (my story of almost dying, but whatever). Then I got to that point in the story and realized, he didn’t want to talk about it. The character (me, ostensibly) was not ready to address that subject in his work yet. So he (I) didn’t. And I find that so incredibly subversive; not what an audience, or myself for that matter, would expect. I’m actually proud of that.

So here it is, check it out. From the top.

 Characters

  Dan, mid thirties

 Guest, same age or younger, better looking, any gender

   Place

 Any theater, on a mostly bare stage

   Time

 Now

   A Note on Dialogue

 A “/” in a character’s speech indicates where the next line of dialogue begins.

 Take on me (take on me)

Take me on (take on me)

 - A-ha, “Take On Me”

 The audience enters the theater to find the stage set with a table and two chairs. The table is rectangular, not huge, and covered with a protective layer of white butcher paper. And the chairs should be upstage of the table, side by side, facing the audience.

 Preshow music is fun 90’s pop, a playlist that must include “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer.

 At rise Dan and Guest come onstage. They greet the audience, waving or giving small bows. A combination of both is fine, if warranted.

Then they sit.

 DAN

Ok. So first off-

           GUEST

First off?

           DAN

Firstly?

           GUEST

Can I stop you right there? Is there going to be a “secondly”?  Or “second off”?

           DAN

Yes. But chances are I won’t frame it that way. I don’t really have a bullet point sort of system…

           GUEST

But you’re not flying by the seat of your pants, either.

           DAN

No. No, / no.

           GUEST

Ok. Good. So: first off.

           DAN

First off, yes.

    (to Guest)

Welcome!

           GUEST

Oh!

           DAN

Thanks for being here. For uh, joining me.

           GUEST

Well, it’s a pleasure. I’ve never made dumplings before!

           DAN

But I assume you’ve had them, eaten …

           GUEST

You assume correctly – making neither an ass of you or me in the process. No, yes, I have partaken. Both at restaurants and frozen. From frozen I should say.

           DAN

Cool.

           GUEST

Very cool, yes, they were frozen.

           DAN

I see what you did there…

           GUEST

And no doubt appreciated it as much me.

           DAN

    (laughs)

So why don’t you ask how I came by this recipe?

           GUEST

Right: “How, on God’s green earth, did you come by this magnificent dumpling recipe that you are now only moments from sharing with the likes of little ol’ me? Oh gosh, how did I ever get so lucky?”

           DAN

Good of you to ask so un-prompted like that.

           GUEST

I try.

           DAN

You do try. You’re a good sport, Thank you. You’re a wonderful guinea pig for doing this. Thanks again for being here.

           GUEST

Thank you again for having me. You’re welcome.

           Beat.

           DAN

This is weird isn’t? I mean, it’s a little strange, right?

           GUEST

How come? Because our dialogue is scripted? And yet it’s made to seem – or we’re made to deliver it, perform uh – like we’re just making it up as we go along…?

           DAN

Having a natural conversation, yes.

           GUEST

Well, but I mean all drama’s scripted- TV, movies. Why should this be any-?

           DAN

I don’t know…

           Pause.

           GUEST

Y’know what? I wouldn’t worry about it.

           DAN

You wouldn’t?

           GUEST

No, not too much.

           DAN

But the suspension of disbelief thing…

           GUEST

Oh, well, that’s easy enough to get over. We’ll just ask the audience –

    (to audience)

Audience: please, we request your indulgence here tonight to suspend your disbelief at this play not being real? Our interactions, banter, etcetera, whatever we might do. That we’ve obviously rehearsed and… to make this appear, you know, for your benefit as much as ours, more life-like, when really it’s nothing but a fallacy. That we’re all “in on the joke” so to speak. What do you say? Can we get a round of applause consenting to the above?

 Guest encourages the audience to applaud their consent. The audience hopefully obliges.

           GUEST

There you go! See?!

    (or, if they happen to not)

Oh, well, there you go. We’re on our own, it seems.

           DAN

    (regardless of outcome)

Okay…

           GUEST

So where’d you get the recipe?

           DAN

Blue Apron.

           GUEST

The food delivery service?

           DAN

Well, you know. “Food delivery”

           GUEST

Why do you do that? Put food delivery in imaginary spoken suggested air-quotes?

           DAN

Well, because Blue Apron doesn’t deliver fully-formed, fully-cooked meals to your door, even to just pop in your oven – you have to make them yourself. Like a whole process with a recipe, ingredients- actual cooking. It’s not like ordering a pizza.

           GUEST

Or is it like ordering a pizza from Papa John’s? You bake it yourself.

  ��        DAN

Papa Murphy’s.

           GUEST

Hmm?

           DAN

Papa Murphy’s, you’re thinking of Papa Murphy’s. Murphy’s is Take and Bake. Papa John’s is just like a regular restaurant. Or, not like a restaurant - you can’t eat there, they don’t have seating - but for pick-up. To-go.

           GUEST

Oh I see.

           DAN

Not to get off on a tangent there…

           GUEST

Really? You think this won’t be an evening full of delightfully kooky tangents /

           DAN

Well… /

           GUEST

and that that won’t end up being the whole point?

           DAN

Well-

           GUEST

I mean ‘cause let’s be honest here, if anyone was gonna be voted in high school Least Likely to Host His Own Cooking Show, that would be you. Your picture next to that dubious distinction. I mean with your history or lack thereof in the kitchen…?

           DAN

Brutal honesty.

           GUEST

I’s just calls ‘em likes I sees ‘em.

           DAN

And now racist.

           GUEST

How was that-?

           DAN

I don’t know. It just sounded like you were doing an old-timey black voice.

           GUEST

For your information that was my old-timey gangster.

           DAN

Great, good - can we move on?

            GUEST

Not without first – first off – acknowledging the glowing pink, like neon elephant in the room.

           DAN

O-K.

    (waits)

Which is what…?

           GUEST

Which is- You don’t know how to cook.

           DAN

Yes I do. I know how to cook-

           GUEST

You don’t-

           DAN

I do. I’m learning how to cook. That’s like the whole point of Blue Apron-

           GUEST

I thought the whole point of Blue Apron was to take the work out of- you know, the shopping, prep, etc.-

           DAN

Oh, you still do prep.

           GUEST

Like cut up vegetables and-?

           DAN

Yeah, they just send you the proper amounts of -

         GUEST

Well that… kind of sucks doesn’t it? I’m thinking for like the single woman on the go, her mindset. Doesn’t that just make more work?

           DAN

Yes and no. Is it as fast as a microwave dinner? No. Is it about the same time as ordering take-out from some place, pizza-?

           GUEST

Yeah, but you don’t actually have to make the pizza, shred the cheese, chop up the peppers, mushrooms, olives-

           DAN

Olives…nobody chops up olives, you buy pre-sliced in the can, or halved / or -

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Why, because it would just be inconvenient to-

 GUEST

Aha! See! See! Thank you, you’ve just made my point for me. Why can’t Blue Apron like, I don’t know, dice up your onions for you? I mean some stuff must come already prepped, right? Like olives?

           DAN

A few things / but-

           GUEST

And you never wondered or wished or everything wasn’t that way? I mean if you ask me, I think they’re just trying to lower the cost of their overhead.

           DAN

Probably, but-

           GUEST

So why not pay a little more so you, the consumer, isn’t so burdened?

           DAN

But it’s not a burden.

         Guest looks at him skeptically.

           DAN

It’s not, it’s really… because like I said the whole point… well, not the whole point – I mean there’s the convenience factor/ and-

           GUEST

Even though you yourself said not a moment ago it was inconvenient.

           DAN  

    (ignoring that)

And ALSO- also getting to try a bunch of foods you never, to widen your scope, uh, palate to… But a large part, no, to return to the, is you learn how to cook.  For instance, you were lamenting the fact, laboring on the, that you had to prep all your own vegetables and stuff-

           GUEST

Well, not the olives it seems but…

           DAN

    (again, not letting himself be distracted)

WELL you might be surprised to know I have actually gotten much faster at dicing onions, for instance, I have my own method, not probably how the real chefs / do it-

           GUEST

Do you know that’s the second time you said “for instance” in the span of like a sentence? You just used it.

           DAN

What do you want me to say? “For example,” then-

           GUEST

But yeah, but, how many examples and for instances can you use before you just sound like you’re repeating yourself?

           DAN

    (staring at Guest)

Wow …

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

No. I just don’t know why you’re being so critical and attacking me all of a sudden.

           GUEST

All of a sudden? You mean in the ten minutes we’ve been out here?

           DAN

Regardless of, all this, of your hostility is coming out of nowhere.

           GUEST

Hostility.

           DAN

Yes.

           Guest considers this. Then:

           GUEST

Hey –

    (claps hands)

- fun experiment! Do you wanna let folks in on a peek behind the curtain?

           DAN

What are you talking about?

           GUEST

You know, the writerly process and whatnot…

           DAN

Seriously what are you-

           GUEST

When you first typed “hostility” – back when you were first writing the script – you didn’t type “hostility” you typed…?

           Pause.

           DAN

I don’t… what?

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

I don’t remember.

           GUEST

Yes you do. Come on.

           DAN

“Come on…” What, did I misspell hostility or-?

           GUEST

No, a completely different word.

 Pause. Dan shrugs, either he doesn’t know or he’s pretending not to. Either way:

  GUEST

Fine – play dumb. You originally typed HOSPITAL.

           DAN

Hospital?

           GUEST

Yeah, instead of hostility, hospital. As in “Paging Doctor Vega, Doctor Vega to the Emergency Room please”

           DAN

Wait – who is… / DOCTOR VEGA?

           GUEST

I can’t believe you’re pretending like you don’t remember.

           DAN

I’m not. / I don’t.

           GUEST

Yeah you do. / Yes you do.

           DAN

Why? Why would I lie? About something as stupid / as-

           GUEST

Uhhhhh to seem more smart, maybe? Or look less dumb.

           DAN

How would I…

    (pause)

Okay, first off –

           GUEST

Here we go again.

           DAN

FIRST OFF. It’s “smarter”. Not “more smart”.

           GUEST

WOW. Getting into a semantics argument this early, huh? You really wanna do that, go that route?

           DAN

Not really but you’re kind of forcing my hand-

           GUEST

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT’S ALWAYS BUGGED ME?

           DAN

Why are you yelling?

           GUEST

You know what’s always bugged me? The little quirks of the English language. Like how you’re supposed to say SMARTER, not MORE SMART. But you don’t say –and this is just a for instance –

    (Dan rolls his eyes)

FUN-ner. You say MORE FUN. I mean shoot, no wonder English is such a second language to people. It wouldn’t be my choice of a first.

           Beat.

           DAN

Can I continue with what I was saying now?

           GUEST

Oh, by all means, do, let’s.

           Beat.

           DAN

How would I like dumb? Because I made a mistake? A perfectly reasonable just ordinary typed-one-word-when-I-meant-another–

           GUEST

Exactly. Which is why you blowing it up into this whole thing and not just admitting to the teensiest of foibles-

           DAN

Because I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t make a mistake!

           Silence. A beat or two.

 GUEST

Y’know…?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

No, I was just gonna say: you know what’s so funny about overcompensation -?

           DAN

Oh my god. / Please

           GUEST

No, just- just hear me out-

           DAN

Like I could stop you.

           GUEST

Ha, yes.

    (considers that, then)

You know what’s so funny about overcompensation? I mean when people overcompensate? And it’s not select to some people and others immune, I think we all do it from time to time, when it suits us. Just our buttons get pushed and-

           DAN

Get to the, the thing, the crux of your… whatever.

           GUEST

    (defensive, even haughty)

I am! I will!

 But instead, there is a long pause. Guest scratches their head, in bemused thought.

           GUEST

Shit, you’re gonna hate me, but I lost my train of thought.

           DAN

    (deeply sarcastic)

Awesome.

           GUEST

Sorry, not my intention, just I was chugging along there pretty good and then whoops, jumped the track - /

DAN

Right

           GUEST

No survivors.

           DAN

Okay

           GUEST

Like that movie Titanic.

 Short pause, as Dan stares at Guest.

           GUEST

So but…

Wait, why are you staring at me like that?

    (No response)

Ooooooo-kay. Creepy. But, what do you think you’re overcompensating for?

    (Dan opens his mouth-)

And before you say anything, really think about it, I want you to really, like, plumb the depths of your… subconscious or, you know, I mean if that’s what’s coming into play here, blocking you from-

           DAN

Is this… are you like my therapist now? Who says I’m blocked?

           GUEST

I do. I say you’re blocked.  

           DAN

But blocked / how?

           GUEST

And I would never agree to be your therapist.

    (pause)

Just so we’re clear.

           Beat.

           DAN

Blocked how, though?

           GUEST

How are you-? By just not even being able to see how getting so defensive about something that’s ultimately this trivial- like all I was doing was relaying an amusing anecdote, that’s it, that’s all-

           DAN

But if I had made a mistake like that, - hostility instead of hospital- / I would

           GUEST

Hospital instead of hostility, but.

           DAN

Okay, now who’s getting hung up on semantics?

(No response, Guest waiting for him to continue.)

I would, I would admit it. If I had done it. But I didn’t so…

           GUEST

Oh man. If this was only like the NFL. Then we could go to the gametape, review the play. Literally, ha.  Then you would see.

           DAN

No, I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t type hospital, I typed / hostility.

 GUEST

    (not quite yelling)

Splendid! You’ve convinced me! End of conversation! Shall we move on?

           Long pause.

           DAN

I’m sorry.

           GUEST

You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who-

           DAN

Yeah but you were right, I got defensive / and-

           GUEST

And I just wouldn’t let it go.

    (pause, sentimental, about to cry?)

Still best friends?

           DAN

    (small pause)

Are we…best/…?

           GUEST

Fuck it. You know, let’s just move on.

           DAN

Okay!

           GUEST

Okay!

           DAN

Okay.

           GUEST

Alright, okay.

           Awkward pause.

           GUEST

Where were we?

           DAN

I think you were asking me where I got the recipe from.

           GUEST

Oh yeah Blue Apron wow okay. That was like way back on page four of the script. Huh. Hate to say I toldja so about the tangents, the going on tangents thing but…

           DAN

I know, but I also wrote all this, I wrote in the tangents, so…

           GUEST

Which quite possibly makes it even weirder.

           DAN

It does, quite possibly, yes.

           GUEST

And there’s no reason – sorry but – there’s no reason to get all high and mighty about, y’know, your position in relation to mine. Like you’re the creator of this whole thing, therefore you occupy this higher echelon of character within the, the narrative. I shouldn’t be made to feel, you know, belittled or… less than.

           DAN

I’m… Ok, sorry. That’s not what I meant though, and if you felt that way.

           GUEST

No, no, let’s just- we almost had it back on track, so let’s just go.

    (false positivity)

Blue Apron?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

I’m prompting you. This is kind of a do-over. Straight and to the point. No distractions, wild asides or tangents. Just good, clean – American - culinary fun.

           DAN

    (dubious)

Sounds… great.

Okay. Well…

We had started to / get-

           GUEST

Hold on a minute. Who’s “we”?

           DAN

…My wife and I.

           GUEST

Oh, ok. Proceed.

           DAN

We’d started to receive- or, I mean, we decided to try Blue Apron mostly because we had gotten in a food rut-

           GUEST

Food rut?

           DAN

Yeah, like eating the same dinner, same meals over and over again. And nothing imaginative either, just really like, really just gross food, y’know, nachos and sloppy joes, Manwich.

           GUEST

You don’t like Sloppy Joes?

           DAN

No, they’re fine, they’re… Just we- it was like we couldn’t.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

WE, we couldn’t think of other stuff to make. And my wife-

           GUEST

Shawna, you can say her name.

           DAN

-Shawna yeah, Shawna is a great cook. Very intuitive. Very good at – you know, not just following a recipe but instinctively about / knowing what, while you’re in the process of,

           GUEST

Sorry, what’s instinctive?

           DAN

knowing what’s needed. What’s…instinctive? / What do you-

           GUEST

Oh no, no, I get it now. She can think on her feet.

           DAN

Right, like with spices, knowing what to add, what something needs / and-

           GUEST

You’re not.

           DAN

No. I mean I was surprised at how often they tell you to salt and pepper what you’re making. Like at every stage, “add salt and pepper,” the recipe is very…emphatic about that, you’re supposed / to-

           GUEST

So they send you the recipe, the ingredients…

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

You get to pick or’s it just random the recipes they send you?

           DAN

You get to pick. You go on the website and there’s usually six, four to six options so you don’t have to get anything you won’t – for instance-

Dan stops. Looks at Guest expecting them to say something, but Guest very graciously waves their hand like it’s not worth getting into. Dan proceeds.

           DAN

For instance, Shawna’s allergic to lemon, uhhh, citrus, so we try to avoid recipes where that’s a big component. She also hates-HATES salmon in all its forms and configurations.

           GUEST

Configurations…

           DAN

Just go with me. So we obviously don’t order any salmon recipes.

           GUEST

Do you like salmon?

           DAN

Sure, but it’s not my favorite or anything.

And I veto stuff too. Like anything with couscous, or just bizarre vegetables I’ve never heard of.

           GUEST

You don’t like to try new stuff?

           DAN

It’s not… that. I try stuff. But I think we all have a, we all like certain things, are partial to, or not partial to. Foods. Food groups, uh-

           GUEST

Can I run a list with you real quick?

           DAN

A list of…?

           GUEST

Of foods you will and will not eat, try.

           DAN

Ohhh, okay.

           GUEST

You just say yes or no.

           DAN

K.

           GUEST

Couscous.

           DAN

N- no. I already told you that-

           GUEST

Fine, fine.

Just what’s your problem with couscous?

           DAN

The texture, I think? I don’t know, we got it once and / I just didn’t-

           GUEST

    (eager to continue)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um…

Bell peppers.

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

No?

           DAN

Too spicy.

           GUEST

But… bell peppers are like the LEAST SPICY of-

           DAN

Then I just don’t like the taste. I don’t like the taste they add.

           GUEST

Okay. Ummm.

Salmon-

           DAN

We already-

           GUEST

I know but other kinds of fish.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

So like a blanket “all fish” on that one.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Interesting…

           DAN

And I don’t mind a fish tasting like fish either, you know, having a fishy taste or smell?

           GUEST

Sure.

Beets?

           DAN

Eww. No.

           GUEST

Fennel.

           DAN

Um, I don’t really… have an opinion…

           GUEST

Kale, then.

           DAN

Uhhh. In small doses, sure.

           GUEST

What’s a / small dose…?

           DAN

Practically non-existent.

           GUEST

Huh.

Interesting.

    (Pause. Dan looks at Guest like “What?”)

You’re kind of a picky eater aren’t you?

           DAN

/ No

           GUEST

Not all the way picky, I mean you eat all the normal stuff frou-frou’ed up a bit, but not really / that adventurous.

           DAN

SUSHI.

           GUEST

    (amused; knows where this is going)

What about it?

           DAN

Sushi’s not adventurous? RAW FISH / is not -?

           GUEST

I mean for your family maybe it’s exotic, for someone like your dad or your sister? But in the grand, you know, “scheme” of things…? Sushi’s not all that… because people like sushi.

    (an afterthought)

Sushi is not a barometer.

           Beat.

           DAN

Well maybe, but that still doesn’t make me a picky eater.

           GUEST

Then my impression was obviously wrong.

           DAN

    (slight pause)

I used to be.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

More picky. Or selective. I didn’t even try coffee until I was almost thirty.

           GUEST

What about in college? How did you stay up to write papers and stuff?

           DAN

Oh, that’s easy. Masturbation.

           Long, long beat. Guest is abashed.

           GUEST

Excuse me? That’s kind of an admission, / don’t you think?

           DAN

What?

           GUEST

To just make, to just… reveal like that, in front of a paying audience no less.

 DAN

Oh, c’mon, it’s not this big embarrassing… thing. It’s like that book, Everybody Poops. Well, Everybody Masturbates, too.

           GUEST

And yet no one’s penned that bestseller yet. Just a matter of time I guess. You should write the foreword.

    (Dan shrugs)

You’re not even blushing.

           DAN

Should I be?

           GUEST

It’s just not the sort of behavior I’d expect from you.

           DAN

Well, I’m thirty-three.

           GUEST

And age factors into this how…?

           DAN

I’m getting older. Maybe I’m getting more honest too.

           GUEST

    (a trace of skepticism)

More honest?

           DAN

Yeah. What?

           GUEST

Oh no, it’s just…

    (pause)

Hospital.

Not

Hostility.     I just wondered / if I was talking to the same-

           DAN

    (exploding from his seat)

I DIDN’T TYPE HOSPITAL! I DIDN’T-

           GUEST

Yes, yes, continue to deny, continue to … But I was there, I know. I KNOW. I know what you typed and the fact you can’t admit it just about drives me to drink.

    (light bulb)

IN FACT!-

           Guest abruptly exits into the wings.

         Dan looks after them.

           DAN

    (to audience)

Where did they go?

    (long pause)

I didn’t type hospital, I swear. I mean I wouldn’t go to war like this over something so… miniscule, nothing. They’re just trying to get to me for whatever reason. I mean it doesn’t make sense. This is supposed to be an evening of cooking and light chatter! No heavy topics! No introspection, self or otherwise! And no grilling the host! But they seem intent on prodding and, and needling me. Why? Just to provoke a reaction?

 Guest re-enters, bottle of wine in hand, but hangs on the periphery, speaks directly to Dan, almost a challenge:

           GUEST

Tell them about the hospital.

Dan stares like a deer in headlights. No response.

 GUEST

  (more insistent)

Talk to them about the hospital.

 No response. Guest has to resist the urge to go and hit Dan. Takes a big swig from the bottle instead. Exits again.

 DAN

    (another beat, then to audience)

Okay, that was fucking weird, right? I mean, I know what they’re talking about but… I mean that has nothing to do with, with anything. It’s just a coincidence. It’s just a coincidence I typed hospital not hostility, and…

 Dan trails off, realizing his admission. Looks at audience.

         DAN

Ok, I did. I originally when I was writing the play typed HOSPITAL instead of HOSTILITY. There, okay? You CAUGHT me. I LIED, um…

    (pause)

But it still doesn’t mean anything. I wasn’t thinking about the hospital- and yes, there is a hospital story, MY hospital story, of my time in the… and I’d be perfectly fine, you know, telling it, but the actual, like, crux of this piece, has nothing to do with, to do with… that. What happened. It Just Doesn’t. Okay?

Why they’re on me about it – I know I lied but…

Can we just focus on that a minute?

 Guest walks back in, wine bottle in hand.

 GUEST

Focus on what?

           Guest sits. Pause.

           DAN

Are you really drinking?

           GUEST

Yes I’m REALLY DRINKING.

    (as they take a big swig)

           DAN

Ok. I guess I just wanted to know why you want me to talk about the hospital so bad.

           GUEST

I don’t.

           DAN

Now what kind of idiot response is that?

           GUEST

YOUR idiot response. YOU wrote the play…

           DAN

Could you please stop throwing that in my face?

           GUEST

    (baby-voice)

Ohhhhh. Is it such an insult? Ohhhhhh. I’m sowwweeeeee.

           DAN

Stop it.

    (Guest continues making pouty baby faces.)

C’mon, stop- stop it- STOP!!!

    (Guest stops)

Look, do you want me to show you how to make dumplings or not?

           GUEST

By all means.

    (very poorly acted “stage” drunk)

By ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

           Beat.

           DAN

OK. Ignoring that…

I’ll be right back.

           Dan starts for the wings.

           GUEST

Where are you going?

           DAN

To get the supplies. Ingredients, tools…

           GUEST

Tools?

           DAN

Spoons and forks.

           GUEST

    (dismissive)

Fine.

           DAN

Is there a problem?

           GUEST

Not in the slightest! Take your time! Go, go! Shoo.

 Guest waves Dan off, who exits with an uncomprehending and slightly annoyed look. Beat. Guest turns their attention to the audience. A smile.

 GUEST

    (holding up bottle)

This isn’t real. There’s actually no wine in it…

    (turns bottle over, not a drop spills out)

…and I bet I didn’t fool you either! I was never that good, could never really pull off stage drunk.

(They set the bottle aside. Pause.)

None of this is real. Just so you know.  Well, I mean, obviously. You’re at a show, we’re playing make believe up here. But the conceit of the thing, right? Dan wrote himself AS A CHARACTER into his own play. PLAYED by an ACTOR – not himself. Which has gotta be its own like snake-swallowing-its-own tail challenge for an actor. Believe me, I do feel sorry for (insert first name of actor playing Dan), that can’t be easy. And when we were in rehearsal, the author watching you, watching YOU play THEM. That’s just like a cruel, like a sado-masochistic mindfuck. I mean inhabiting, or you know, realizing for an actor effectively a fictional character is hard enough. But a real person? And way more than even, like, some historical figure, like you were playing Abraham Lincoln or whomever, you know, there’s a remove there, some distance. But to ask someone to play YOU. Just a… I mean if there are any writers or inspiring out there – first, thank you for coming, keep pursuing your dreams, your craft, honing it, etcetera – but –  

    (shaking head)

Don’t do that. Keep it simple, huh? A bedroom farce or uhhh, courtroom drama! Audiences love those.  Or you know who really had a good bead on the whole theater thing? Neil Simon. Nothing too complicated there!  

    (pause)  

I bet he thinks he’s real clever. Especially coming up with me. “Guest”

    (They do real air-quotes.)

Sort of an alter ego. Or not an alter ego, but like what’s that Shakespeare line about holding a mirror up to nature? Who said that – Hamlet? It was probably Hamlet. Hamlet got all the good lines.  God I would love to play Hamlet.

    (dramatically)

The melancholy prince!

Now there’s a role you could really sink your teeth into. “To be or not…” y’know?

 Sound of something being dropped/crashing offstage. We hear Dan cursing:

           DAN

    (off)

Shit! Fuck…

 Guest moves off into the wings. The stage is empty. We hear their dialogue faintly:

 GUEST

(off)

What happened? Can I help? Do you need / any-

 DAN

(off)

It’s fine. I don’t think I lost too much of the filling, I can clean it, try to salvage… Just what are you talking about out there?

           GUEST

    (off, quickly)

What? Nothing. Normal subjects. Innocuous.   Inconsequential, really. No one complaining at all.

           DAN

    (off)

Well, get back out there. I mean it’s gotta be boring for the audience just an empty stage. They’re probably confused. Or just irritated. I’ll be out in a minute.

           GUEST

    (off)

Ok… Are you / sure?

           DAN

    (off)

Yeah, yeah, go. This is dead air! Or whatever the stage equivalent I don’t know is.

 Guest returns. A lost little puppy for a sec.

           GUEST

Dan’s got it, I guess. Under control.

    (mission control/radio voice)

Repeat: the situation is under control. The situation is under-…

 Guest trails off, that sudden silly-happy spirit gone as quickly as it came. Lost again. Beat. Then quietly:

         GUEST

Hey, do you wanna hear a story? Or not even a story but like more of an anecdote? Or not even an anecdote but just something I noticed about me recently? It was when I was getting my hair cut. I go to one of those cheapy-y places so generic I can’t even remember the name of it. Great Clips…? Smart Cuts…? I don’t know, not important. I just noticed that I am the worst at hair stylist chit-chat. Like they try to engage me in, you know, very general-type topics. BROAD: we’re talking local sports, TV shows, friendly, nothing too personal or that would force you to “out” yourself on any particular controversial issues. Like they’re not hitting me with where I stand on a woman’s right to choose.  I’m in favor obviously but - I mean a woman’s body is her own… thing.  But I’m getting off topic.  The point is the normal chit-chat thing people do so effortlessly? Small-talk, right, you would call it?  I can’t. I can’t.  I am just incapable for whatever reason of sustaining for any length of time, you know, beyond the perfunctory responses of, just basic like “Good.” “Yeah.” “Sure.”

A for instance or example?

One time I’m sitting there, in the chair, the barber’s, and I’m wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. Pretty much my usual get-up, Star Wars or something superhero related…

 (Important Note: however Guest is costumed, it must be explicit in how they are styled that they would never, under any circumstances, wear Star Wars or other geek related apparel. They are just not that person. To put it more bluntly, Guest is lying right now.)

 GUEST

…I’m kind of a geek that way. Or just really, really set in my ways. Like I want to be able to reach into my drawer in the morning and grab a shirt and not have to worry about it, like I’ll look down and I won’t even know what I put on but it’s okay ‘cause it’s  “Hey, cool, Spider-Man.”

 Anyways, I’m wearing a Star Wars shirt. And I sit down and the first thing-

 Well, I mean let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that it can’t be easy for the stylist either. I mean I’m sure when they go to beauty school or whatever they’re not given lengthy courses on social discourse. But a big part of their job is to be this talkative, you know, outgoing, to engage the customer, to build a rapport in that thirty minutes or an hour not much time, so that 1) the customer feels safe, you know, reasonably sure this total stranger with a sharp object isn’t going to just stab them in the eye, or slit their throat Sweeney Todd style, but is also a professional who’s gonna make them look good. And secondly, the haircut industry being a gratuity-inclusive system, they want you to like them because they make more if you like them, the idea being here that a lot of time when you get a haircut, you’re pretty much just looking for the same thing you got last time, so what you’re really judging them on is personality. How were they personally with you.  I mean am I wrong? I don’t think so, but speak up now or forever hold your peace.

 No but it’s, I guess what I’m trying to say is it takes two to tango. And the conversation, if that other person’s not giving, usually the customer… oh, it’s death. It is death to sit through. For both parties. Because there’s that forced feel to everything, like you’re not in Great Clips anymore but the dentist, ‘cause it’s like pulling teeth. Ugh!

 But anyway, back to my story. So I was sitting there, or I was sitting down, they’d just called my name. And the stylist – and isn’t it that they always tell you their names and you even shake hands but I can never remember – the stylist says, she notices my shirt and says, “Oh did you see that new Star Wars movie?” A completely non-loaded, just chit-chatty question. And my response is, I go “Yeah…” and sort of trail off, “Yeah, yeah…” totally non-committal. So then she asks if I liked it, a natural follow-up, and I just say, “Yeah, it was okay.” Again, the most wishy-washy bullshit response. I don’t elaborate, I don’t ask if she’s seen it, I don’t ask if she’s more of Star Wars person or Star Trek, or a million other lines of inquiry I could have gone down, I don’t say anything, I don’t engage her back, I just leave her there hanging, this perfectly nice, just-doing-her-job, just trying to get through her shift, you know, vary the days- and I always tip well, I always tip like five bucks, it’s not that it’s just- I feel like I’m not holding up my end of the bargain here. Y’know?

 And the reasons for that are… well, they’re… they probably just come down to me being so introverted. Like that’s just my wiring, that’s just how I’m built. And it’s sucky, it… yeah. Kind of debilitating.

    (Pause. Guest makes sad trombone sound:)

Wah-wah.

    (Pause. Then as Dan re-enters)

But it’s not like I can just stop getting my hair cut either.

 Dan enters with a large mixing bowl covered by saran wrap.

 DAN

    (overhearing)

What about a haircut?

He sets the bowl on the table.

           GUEST

Oh, nothing. Just some sad pathetic story I was telling them.

           DAN

It wasn’t boring was it?

 GUEST

    (considers that)

I don’t think so. Introspective, sort of rambling…

    (to audience)

I don’t know, what did you all think? Did you think my story was boring? Or maybe it held some special significance for you, was RELATABLE even…?

           DAN

A haircut – how is that relatable?

           GUEST

Well, we all get haircuts don’t we?

           DAN

Most people, yeah…

           GUEST

Well, see. There you go. There you are.

           DAN

    (mocking, lightly)

There I am.

           Dan exits again.

           GUEST

Where are you going now?

           DAN

    (off)

Just a few more things. I only have two hands.

           GUEST

I said I would help.

           DAN

    (off)

I know.

    (returning)

I know.

 Dan carries on a plate with two spoons, two forks, and a thick stack of pre-moistened dumpling wrappers. Everything goes on the table.

 GUEST

Smells good.

           DAN

That’s the filling, yeah.

           GUEST

What’s in it?

           DAN

Mushrooms and cabbage.

           GUEST

MMMMM. All chopped up together?

           DAN

Yeah/

           GUEST

Cooked or?

           DAN

Yeah, sauteed.

           GUEST

Can I try it?

           DAN

…Sure.

           GUEST

Is that ok?

           DAN

Yeah go ahead.

 Guest removes the saran wrap from the bowl and, using one of the forks, brings a mouthful of filling from to their lips and blows on it.

 DAN

It’s not hot.

           GUEST

Oh.

    (Guest tries the filling. Nodding)

Mmmm. Oh. Yeaaaah.

           DAN

Good?

           GUEST

Yeah, really. I can’t wait to try it in the actual dumplings.

           DAN

Then let’s get started.

 Dan sits down and starts to lay out the materials. Guest joins them at the table.

 GUEST

You seem more in a chipper mood than when we last saw you.

           DAN

Well, I took some time backstage to think about things.

           GUEST

Like what?

           DAN

Just my general outlook on our relationship. The dynamic we share.

           GUEST

And what conclusion did you come to about that?

           DAN

That you’re not really my antagonist in this thing.

           GUEST

How profound.

           DAN

And even when you make comments like that, “How profound”, which could read like you’re trying to get at me, needle me into blowing up again, this big reaction, you’re IN ACTUALITY doing me a favor.

           GUEST

A favor.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

What kind?

           DAN

Well, you’re supposed to be like that little voice inside my head, right? You know the one: that I argue with, that’s always criticizing me, making me feel bad, guilty, or just shitty; that overanalyzes every interaction, stretching moments, obsessing over the minutest; that worries me, panics me, berates me, frustrates me, makes me feel like the most disgusting human being for even thinking that, scares me into a corner, then fucks with me taunting me from the dark.

           Beat.

           GUEST

And that’s who I am?

           DAN

Well yeah, pretty much. You’re an instigator, right? A rabble rouser; a provocateur.

           GUEST

Don’t get foreign with me.

    (pause)

So if I’m not the antagonist – which, let’s be honest, your description of me doesn’t entirely jive with if I’m always this critical apparition, I don’t know if that’s the word you’d use but – this kind of identity in your life, causing you stress and, just creating all sorts of turmoil for you. So if I’m not that, DESPITE what you claim, what does that not make you: the hero?

           DAN

Exactly. I think we’re really blurring the lines here into a grey area of, of thinking about character.

           GUEST

Awesome, ‘cause everyone loves the color grey so much. Grey really pops.

           DAN

I love you.

           GUEST

Oh shut the fuck up, are you high?        

            DAN

What??

           GUEST

No seriously, are you on something? Right now?

           DAN

…no.

           GUEST

You hesitated.

           DAN

Only a beat. And it was because your accusation is totally ridiculous-

           GUEST

Why?

           DAN

Because I’M NOT.

           GUEST

The lady doth protest too much I think.

           DAN

The lady doth protest as much as it takes when she’s TELLING the TRUTH.

           GUEST

Your mood.

           DAN

What about / it?

           GUEST

Just like you flipped a switch. And people don’t have swings like that all willy-nilly, apropos of nothing.

           DAN

What about bipolars?

           GUEST

We’re not TALKING about people who spend half their year living in the ARCTIC CIRCLE.

Now something kicked you in the ass mood-wise, and if you think I’m just going to let you get away / with it again-

           DAN

Get away with what? / With what again?

           GUEST

With turning this into another hospital-hostility situation, it’s NOT gonna happen. NO LIES-

           DAN

But I didn’t, I… there was nothing-

           GUEST

BullSHIT, Dan. Now what is it? You don’t seem drunk.

           DAN

I’m not.

           GUEST

    (finding the bottle they brought onstage)

And neither was I for that matter. That was merely a clever acting ruse for yours and the audience’s amusement.

           DAN

Don’t you mean a-RUSE-ment?

 Dan smiles gleefully. Guest starts to crack, and it takes all of their willpower to keep them from smiling too.

 GUEST

You will not – break me – with bad puns.

           DAN

But they’re your weakness.

           GUEST

No, they’re YOURS.

           DAN

Touché.

           GUEST

    (pause)

The fact you just said “touché” like that, with that little smirk on your face, totally un-ironical, means you’re DEFINITELY on something. You are UP.

           DAN

Better than down.

           GUEST

Stop turning everything around, that’s just easy! Stop quipping!

           DAN

    (channeling Devo)

When a problem comes alone, you must quip it!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

Quip it good!

           GUEST

I will fucking hit you.

Plus I think they already made that joke in one of the Austin Powers movies, so kudos for the retread.

           DAN

Well, it’s a popular song.

           GUEST

You can’t stop.

           DAN

I can, I’m just choosing not to. The shoe’s on the other foot now and if you can’t take the heat maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to vacation on the sun.

           GUEST

You’re insufferable. You INVITED me here-

           DAN

Oh sorry, am I not being a good host? Let me get your coat…

 Dan moves to remove Guest’s non-existent jacket. It almost gets physical as Guest shakes him off.

They stare at each other for a beat, Dan grinning, Guest more nervous and worried than anything.

 DAN

    (calculated)

By the way, nice haircut.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

Oh, you just look like you got your hair cut recently. For that matter, so do I. Because I did. For the show. It was getting pretty shaggy.

           GUEST

Ok…

           Silence.

           DAN

So did you get your hair cut or what?

           GUEST

…Yeah. Yes.

           DAN

Sharp.  Sharp ‘do.

           GUEST

I don’t like you like this.

           DAN

Like what?

           GUEST

On the attack.

           DAN

Have I attacked you?

           GUEST

No, but you’re stalking me like I’m your fucking prey.

           DAN

You know there’s not some invisible sound-proof barrier between the stage and the wings, right? That I could hear every word of your little “monologue”?

 And this time he actually does the air-quotes thing.

 GUEST

So?

           DAN

So that wasn’t you. It was me. That was my story you told, passed off as your own. MY awkwardness. I’M the one who doesn’t know how to talk when I’m getting a haircut. I’M the one with no small talk game. YOU on the other hand…

         But he stops, relishing the moment.

           GUEST

Me on the other hand what?

           DAN

You’re personable. Not exactly an extrovert, but certainly less introverted.

           GUEST

That’s not true. Sometimes-

           DAN

No, all the time. That’s your character.

           GUEST

Says you.

           DAN

Says me, yes.

           GUEST

But not even you.

           DAN  

Y’know, for the sake of argument, can we just dispense with the whole metatexual, what’s-real-and-what’s-not thing and just play the dramatic moment for real, straight. Can we do that? Can you?

           GUEST

I’m game.

           DAN

Good. Thank you.

           GUEST

Welcome.

           DAN

So we started off the evening you attacking me. Now the tide has turned and you’re on the defensive. So what? The world’s unfair. You ask for sympathy, you expect anyone to / with you right now, sympathize?

           GUEST

No, but you were lying. You started lying. / You LIED.

           DAN

I never / lied.

           GUEST

Hospital not hostility.

The backstage thing cuts both ways you son of a bitch, I could hear everything you said too, your little slip and subsequent confession-

           DAN

So?

           GUEST

So you can admit it to them

    (re: audience)

And not to me?

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

Why? Why not to me? Because you’ve lost enough face anyway tonight, what’s a nostril more?

           DAN

    (pause)

It’s embarrassing.

           GUEST

That’s not what you said an hour ago or whenever it was. You said it was pointless. You said it was a mistake anyone could make. A typo.

           DAN

But you kept persisting-

           GUEST

Only after you immediately went on the defensive.

           DAN

No, no, before that you had already been on me. Poking at me with little… just breaking up my momentum, these little interjections, picking at me.

           GUEST

I thought that was my function.

           DAN

Yes and no.

           GUEST

How yes and how no?

           DAN

We’re naturally combative. Not just you, me too. And the back and forth, if we’re not nipping at each other’s heels the whole way… well, it wouldn’t be very interesting, would it? Not much of a scene.

           GUEST

Sure.

           DAN

You agree?

           GUEST

I concur.

           DAN

So that… you do… you are here for that reason. To challenge me. To present an obstacle to what I want.

           GUEST

Wait, what do you want?

    (Silence.)

Are you going to tell me? Do you even know?

           DAN

I do, it’s just not an easy question.

           GUEST

I think you mean it’s not an easy answer.

           DAN

See? To the end we’re like this. At each other. We can’t help it. No,

           BOTH

    (not precisely in unison)

We were written this way.

           Silence for a long beat.

           GUEST

What do you want, Dan?

           DAN

To make something.

           GUEST

What something?

           DAN

Just something good.

           GUEST

That’s vague.

Are you implying you want to do something with your art?

           DAN

Maybe.

           GUEST

That would… that kind of has to do with the hospital, doesn’t it?

           DAN

No.

           GUEST

The hospital didn’t make you stop and reevaluate your life?

           DAN

Of course it did, / but-

           GUEST

Then what’s the problem?

           DAN

I’m not ready to tell that story.

           Beat.

           GUEST

I know.

           DAN

And it was just a coincidence…

           GUEST

I know.

           DAN

…Typing, it was a typo…

           GUEST

I know.

           DAN

Then why did you seize on it like you did? Just relentless-

           GUEST

Because it’s in the script. It says I have to. The lines are right there.    

(then)

And I’m nothing if not professional.

           DAN

Very good.

           GUEST

Thanks. Thanks for having me. Though I’d be remiss if I didn’t say I was a little bummed you not telling the hospital story.

           DAN

Another time. Another show.

           GUEST

Can I come back for that one?

           DAN

We’ll see. It’s gotta be right.

           GUEST

Ugh! Perfectionist. Can’t you just sell-out and tell big heart-warming stories that the masses flock to like lemmings?

           DAN

Not my style, unfortunately.

           GUEST

So what do we do til then?

           DAN

Til what?

           GUEST

Til you open up and can tell that other story.

           DAN

Just wait I guess.

           GUEST

The Hospital Story. A New Play by Dan Story.

           DAN

Now it’s my turn to say ugh. I hate that title.

           GUEST

Change it.

           DAN

Ooo! I am good at titles. / Like this other play I’m writing,

           GUEST

You say that so un-modestly.

           DAN

    (continuing)

this play Drones, all about this couple stuck in a rut, just doing the same thing, the same mundane, so they’re basically drones. But it’s when this drone hits their house – actually crashes through their dining room window – that it’s this big, it creates this seismic shift / that-      

         GUEST

Your basic inciting incident, sure.

           DAN

So it’s not a revolutionary concept. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel.

           GUEST

That’s a relief, because I’m pretty sure they got that right on the first pass.

 Dan stares at Guest, a tight amused smile.    

 DAN

To the end.

           GUEST

The very bitterest.

    (an idea)

Here.

           Guest offers the wine bottle to Dan.

           DAN

But it’s empty.

           GUEST

Pretend.

           DAN

Pretend to drink air?

           GUEST

You’re an actor, right? You pretended to smile there a second ago. You’re smiling now.

           DAN

Because I actually feel like smiling.

           GUEST

Me too.

 They look at each other, smiling. Long pause, then breaking:

 GUEST

That was so fucking cheesy.

           DAN

I know, I can’t believe he made us do that.

           GUEST

Let’s sit down.

           DAN

    (“yes”)

PLEASE.

 They sit. Dan looks inside the bottle skeptically, sniffs. Then he “drinks”.

 DAN

    (“thirst quenched”)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…

 GUEST

    (taking the bottle from him)

Give me that.

           Guest drinks. They laugh.

 DAN

So maybe we should actually make these dumplings.

           GUEST

Yeah, not the worst idea. I mean all the materials are present and accounted for. Would be a waste.

           DAN

Shall I show you?

           GUEST

I am putty in your hands. Teach me, Sensei.

           DAN

Again with the racism?

           GUEST

How is sensei racist?

           DAN

You’re not Asian!

           GUEST

For your information, my karate teacher when I was a kid was white.

           DAN

And you called him sensei?

           GUEST

No, we called him Dale and he owned a jewelry store. Always wore this thick gold chain under his gi.  Actually he was kind of an asshole.

           DAN

Yeah he was.

           More laughter.

           GUEST

So: where do we start?

           DAN

Well, first you gotta set yourself up a little dumpling assembly station.

           GUEST

Which consists of?

           DAN

    (displaying items)

Well, you’ll need a mat. A fork. A spoon. A small bowl of luke-warm water. The dumpling filling, of course. And the wrappers.

           GUEST

Check, check, and check.

 The lights start a very slow fade to black, and will finally go out at the end of the play. Dan demonstrates, Guest following his instructions.

           DAN

So you use your spoon… no, your spoon, not the fork – and spoon a small amount of filling into the center of the dumpling wrapper?

           GUEST

    (re: dumpling wrappers)

These are hard to get apart.

           DAN

Yeah, separating them can be… just take your / time…

           GUEST

Got it. So just a single spoonful?

           DAN

Yeah, not too much, or you won’t be able to close the dumpling over it. That’s good.

           GUEST

Ok, so then you fold…

           DAN

Yeah. Wait, I missed a step, don’t close it yet.

           GUEST

What?

           DAN

The bowl full of water, you have to wet the edges first. Around the edge of the wrapper-

           GUEST

Oh. Ok.

           DAN

Again, just a little, you don’t want to soak it, but otherwise the wrapper won’t stick together. There, good.

           GUEST

So now fold it.

           DAN

Yes.

           GUEST

And then I think I know what the fork’s for.

           DAN

Yeah, well, I mean you’ve seen a dumpling before. So you just seal it around the edge, pressing down with the…

           GUEST

Cool.

 Guest has completed making a single dumpling.

           DAN

And there you have it. Wah-lah, you made a dumpling.

           GUEST

    (weirdly proud)

Yeah.

    (pause, then)

Only technically isn’t this more of a potsticker?

           DAN

Really?

 But before they can get into it again, the lights have gone out.

 Music. Bows.

 End of play.

[mathematicianadda]

More Great Ways to Annoy a Mathematician

Which Ratio is Truly Golden?

I find it troubling that the golden ratio has so little in common with the golden rule.

Like, if you did unto others 1.618 times what you’d have them do unto you, then we’d all wind up exhausted.

And if you’re only doing 1/1.618 times unto them, then isn’t that a bit lazy?

  A Puzzle About Rates

I’ve always enjoyed those puzzles like, “If 3 chickens can lay 3 eggs in 3 days, then how long will it take 100 chickens to lay 100 eggs?” They’re counter-intuitive (e.g., in my example, each chicken lays 1 egg per 3 days, so the answer is also 3 days), yet deal only with simple constant rates.

So what if the rates weren’t constant? Like in, say, a bureaucracy, where 20 times more people will accomplish only 1/20th as much?

(Sorry for putting the answer upside down. It reads: “Please complete the attached form (Z302: Aggregate Task Completion Rate Information Request) and we’ll process your inquiry in 4-6 weeks.”)

  In this case, “a mathematician” refers specifically to Matt Parker, whose excellent book Humble Pi discusses the first two of these mistakes.

  The Asymptote of Happiness

Lots of poets have found asymptotes a convenient literary symbol – the idea of eternal striving is a resonant one (even beyond the eternal striving of the struggling algebra student).

  I love me some Raymond Smullyan.

Sorry again for putting the answer upside down. I dunno why I thought that was a clever idea. Mostly just forces you to turn off the auto-rotate setting on your phone.

Anyway, it reads: “Ask anything. You should already know not to buy lowfat yogurt.”)

  Proving a New Theorem

Not that I’ve ever felt this myself. I’m just speculating.

  P-R-E-N-A-T-A-L

What is parenting, if not a neat LARP?

(LARP = Live-Action Role-Playing Game, for those of you with less geeky acumen than I anticipate my audience to have.)

By the way, my friend Rayleen once described to me a brilliant comic, where one person asks, “When’s the baby due?” and the other person is drawn with a small horizontal stick figure emerging from their stick torso. (See? It’s such a good comic, I can just describe it.)

  The Sales Pitch for Math

I think a lot about the different arguments for math, and the ways that they support or contradict each other. Is it a beautiful art? An urgent set of universal civic skills? Key preparation for technical professions?

The answer is yes to all three. But not for all math, and not all at once – and attempting to blend the purposes can lead to a muddle.

  The Meaning of “Let”

It’s always tickled me that the mathematician’s verb “let,” which sounds so chill and laissez-faire, is actually a binding command.

  “All Happy Families Are Alike; Every Unhappy Family is Unhappy In Its Own Way”

I wrote a bunch of these a few years ago. This one has the benefit of being true: all circles are geometrically similar, but not all ellipses are.

(The same is true, by the way, of parabolas and hyperbolas. The former are all the same basic shape, just zoomed in or zoomed out, whereas the latter constitute a whole family of different shapes.)

(Chew on that, Tolstoy.)

  The Court-Appointed Translator

I wrote this little dialogue after listening to a great episode of The Allusionist, before it turned out that Game of Thrones would suffer the worst collapse in storytelling that I have ever experienced.

Oh well!

As my wife said, “At least this way we’ll never have to bargain with our daughter about when she’s old enough to watch Game of Thrones. The ending is so bad, in 10 or 15 years no one will be watching it anymore.”

  Identity Politics

This is a really dumb pun.

Also one of the more popular cartoons in this list.

Go figure.

  Another Dumb Pun

This one is inspired by that time Malcolm Gladwell referred to eigenvectors as “igon vectors,” and Steven Pinker blasted him for it, at which point Gladwell blasted Pinker for something else, and eventually we all lost the thread and just went about our days.

And if you want more godawful matrix puns, I’ve got ’em.

  I don’t know what day you’re reading this, but guess what? It’s also a bad approximation of pi! So go ahead and celebrate!

(Though if you want some very clever alternative pi days, check out Evelyn Lamb’s page-a-day calendar, which includes a Pi Day each month, and not where you’d expect!)

  Uncountably Many Wishes

After I posted this, there was a bunch of discussion on Twitter about whether I’d mischaracterized the Axiom of Choice, which is totally possible, in which case, oops.

Also, some folks pointed out that it’s pretty greedy to wish for uncountably many wishes, when you could just as easily wish for countably many.

To which I say: What’s the point of a magic lamp, if not to have greed be your undoing?

  Maximization vs. Minimization

For lots of optimization problems, maximizing makes sense, but minimizing doesn’t. (Or vice versa.) An example: What’s the largest rectangle you can make from 4 feet of wire?

It’s the 1-by-1 square, with an area of 1 square foot.

But what’s the smallest rectangle you can make (in terms of area)? Well, you could make the 1.9999 by 0.0001 rectangle, which has a very tiny area…

Or you could make the 1.999999 by 0.000001 rectangle, which has an even smaller area…

Or the 1.99999999999999 by 0.000000000000001 rectangle, whose area is microscopic…

…and so on.

I hope that was worth it! And I suspect it wasn’t! Anyway, moving on.

  More thoughts here.

  The Villainous Mathematician Explains His Plan

Clearly this villain should be assigning more group work.

Anyway, I for one am curious to know how a complex-valued currency might work. I’d pay a hefty fee for an accountant or tax attorney who can turn imaginary assets into real ones, or real debts into imaginary ones.

  The Cat on the Bed

I found it very hard to draw a decent space-filling curve.

Also, to draw a decent cat.

  Only Slept Four Hours

This is how I feel about anyone who sleeps less than 7 hours in a given night.

  Axioms of Life

This is my version of that xkcd about kitties.

Also pretty well summarizes parenthood. I still enjoy a cerebral geek-out, as I always have; but I also really enjoy holding my daughter in my arms and calling her the world’s best monkey over and over.

  How Many Stars?

I would totally read a graphic novel about the dating life of Georg Cantor.

The problem is that no one is going to write this graphic novel except for me.

Oh well. I’m under contract for two more books at the moment, but after that will come TRANSFINITE LOVE: THE ROMANTIC ESCAPADES OF A SET THEORIST.

  Quick-Draw Answers

Drawn from an actual experience, in my first week teaching 7th grade. I hadn’t really figured out how to tee up a problem-solving experience yet.

  Twenty Questions

Drew this one for a Jim Propp essay. Recommended as always!

  A New Proof

A teaching friend of mine had a whole list of proofs that 1 = 0, which he busted out at various developmentally appropriate points in grades 6 through 12.

I love that. Curious how far you could get writing a book of proofs that 1 = 0, each introducing a key idea in mathematics…

Maybe that’ll be my next project after the George Cantor romance novel.

  E = mc

Philosophical question: Is this a pun?

The case against: “A pun is a joke that plays on words that sound similar but mean different things. This isn’t doing that.”

The case for: “A pun is a joke that plays on linguistic expressions with similar surface features, but different deep meanings. This is doing exactly that: the premise of the joke is that an exponent and a footnote are both denoted with a superscript, yet mean very different things.”

So I guess this has a deep resemblance to puns, but lacks a surface resemblance… which is itself, not very pun-like.

Ruling: Not a pun!

  “The Exception Proves the Rule”

I guess you hear this inane phrase less often these days. But there was a time, kiddos, when people could hear a devastating counterexample to what they were arguing, and then blithely say “the exception proves the rule” with a straight face.

  The Math Sequence

I’m pretty agnostic on the math sequence. But I have strong intuitions that Star Wars should be screened in the order: IV, V, I, II, III, VI, and so on. (I view the sequels as pretty optional. Prequels too, for that matter, but if you limit yourself to the original trilogy, it’s a boring problem.)

  The “Same” Age

A lot of people on Facebook seemed to read this as though the right-hand character was creeping on Ariana Grande. Not my intention at all! I just wanted to pick a mid-20s celebrity. Could’ve just as easily been Bieber.

(My primary association with Ariana Grande, by the way, is her performance in the short-lived bar mitzvah-themed Broadway musical Thirteen.)

  Lemniskate

I’m not sure there’s a joke here.

I’m fond of this drawing anyway.

  Linear Child

Michael Pershan, the internet’s most relentlessly analytical math educator, inexplicably loved this joke, so I call it a win.

Someone on social media speculated about the position by which this linear combination had been “conceived,” which I found quite vulgar and upsetting (but which I also sort of invited by drawing a comic about procreating vectors).

  If P, then Q

Where do we draw the line between logical succession, and outright stalking? I leave that to the courts.

  Loons and Lunes

Sometimes I just want to do a cute drawing that has no joke in it, okay?

  The Vertical Line Test

I’m actually skeptical that the phrase “vertical line test” has any value. To me it feels like a fancy name for a fact that doesn’t need a fancy name. And, as in the two-column-proof version of geometry, giving fancy names to facts that students should be reasoning out for themselves can become obfuscatory rather than clarifying.

  Whose Fractal is Whose?

Please join me in making “Patricia gasket” a thing! E.g., “Did you know Copley Square in Boston is the approximate shape of the mathematical figure known as a Patricia Gasket?”

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